Mine

It's been a long time since I wrote a post. It's been a busy year anyway, full of hard work and achievement for both of us, me and Red.

I've got a permanent job even though I'm still on my 6th semester, try to work it out and give my best. Red had finished his thesis, and seek for a good job while he's waiting for graduation day next June. And things are fine, though it could be hard in some days but we're working on it and seems like we have fills one to another life everyday. But still, distance sucks. Even the tiniest.

Red's got into a motorcycle accident last Tuesday, and it broke my heart. It's the most serious accident he ever been. He cracked his right hand, injured his left hand and one twisted ankle. I didn't really worry at first because he told me it's okay, it's just a scratch. But he can lie forever so he told me the full story.

The first thing came on my mind is some kind of a prayer. Thank God, You took care of him.

I'm not really a religious person. I'm not sure whether my faith is faded away or I'm fall apart with God, even though deep down inside I know He's the only one who could save me. I have this distance with prayers and what happened to Red makes me feel like I really wanna go back to Him this time. I need Him in my life, of course, and I want to have a good relationship with Him as well.

Anyway. Yesterday I pay a visit to his house. There's a little stupid mistake of me to his father, which I'm sure it will make him hates me more (oh well I don't mind). But it makes me better to see him, and not because he's so much in pain. I helped his mother (or should I say, mother-in-law? lol :) changing his bandages and putting a traditional medicine to reduce his swelling hand. I have a good chit chat with his youngest sissy while he's falling asleep and I think we make a great bond.

It makes me realize so many things. Like, how much I love him and how much I really want to be with him. And how I started to accept things like, this is hard but it's real and it's worth to fight. Like literally, it's worth.

Boundaries

Dear Red,
I love you like a heartbeat. Almost more than life itself. But this 4 days as we stop talking actually makes me feel good about myself. No worries, no any stress. I'm being me and there's no act or thoughts to hide and I feel free to keep it by myself. It feels kinda good it makes me guilty.
After my cousin's wedding I realize couple things. The facts that I personally can't see myself as a parent unlike you, and how I believe in everything less and less as day goes by. I don't think I want a marriage or kids. Even the thought of settle down scared me right now. I don't wanna trapped in another mess or any situation I can't bail off.
I met my ex-psychiatrist yesterday and it's break me. It remind me how much I lose just to keep you mine. After the last curse you said over the phone makes me realize, "That's it. That's enough and I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm quit." I know it's not that easy, you're a big part of my life. I had it enough and I don't know how many times I have to say that I'm really tired. But part of me won't let it go. I honestly believe you are the love of my life and I love you through the distance, more than I ever love anyone. Even Yellow. And now after all we've said and done I'm just so tired and confused and I wonder if I should stop for a while and take a good rest from us.
I give and give, but it feels like I haven't got anything in return. Sometimes I feel I can't rely on you, your small mind to judge people from eyes and all those hurtfull comments you say. And things just keep remind me of our past, of how happy we used to be and now we're not. I'm not. I'm far from being happy. I'm miserable.
You know what? If only I could turn  back time I wish you never sent that message wrong to me. I wish I never knew she was exist or you was still fall for her even when you're with me. To think about our messy past, the only reason why I still think about Yellos isn't because I love him that much. I'm over him when I met you, and on August 28th 2010 he's not on my mind any longer. ays and nights fills with joyness you bring into my life. He want to meet up but no, I really want to get over with it and start a new life with you. I swear I don't think of him, not even a second.
Until I saw that message. That's why, cause I feel save, I feel lika I had a back up plan in case you're leaving me again someday, somehow.
But look at us right now, we're good right? You know me well these days and to see what you've done with all my social media tools, I feel like I need some space apart from you. I want a boundaries between us. I want you to leave me alone. Cause the only who can't move from our past is our partner. Yellow to you, that girl to me, it's all the same.

.

I don't hate you.
How can I hate something, someone that I have loved so much for years? I even gave up everything I have just for it. Put my life on the line just for you, sacrifice my whole past and future and maybe the world, ignore any better man just to be with you. It's not the intelligence that counts, it's the kindness you have that I fell in love with.
But once I see how wrong you could be for a moment may have change so much perception of you. Makes me step back and think, are you really that man I choose? Cause it seems to me lately you just someone I that I used to know. You act childishly, and that's the worst thing anyone can do after so much statement about how a grown-up you are.
You hate me that much that you won't even see my face even just for a bit. And I don't get it why you are the one who avoiding me? Shouldn't I be the one who do that to you after what you've just said? If you try to make me feel guilty and say how stupid you are and how you're not good for me, I think you got it right.
Because the last thing I need to hear is something that could makes me feel bad about myself, which I already did.

Rejection

I actually miss him already. And I need him right now but he rejected my call. Why would he do that? Is that the only thing he's good at? Rejecting people?

I'm Out

I don't feel good about anything lately. About me, how logically I'm trying to persuade myself things are gonna be fine and how I try to remember again and again the reasons why I love him. I loved him, once. And now I'm not even sure what I'm feeling inside. I've been try to follow my heart for this past 4 years, try to convince myself he's worth the pain. The more I tried the bigger doubts I found. I have followed my heart like it's the only right thing to do and it leads me nowhere. It causes so many mess and tears and burden and sighs, not to mention how much hard it is. And I live with it for 4 years. So this time I gotta follow my brain.

I was never ready for him to leave. But I need him to. I really thought i was going to make a big mistake for letting him go, even just for a second. I thought it's gonna be a week of hardcore crying before I finally admit I have no shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to, because he's both my best friend and lover. And future, I hope, but do we really have it?

But last night he make a sick jokes about something that nobody should laugh about it. Of course I'm mad with hatred and anger but he don't care about any of it. And it hits me. I realize he's not changing. he's still the same, he's still the stupid boy who text his girlfriend a nickname of his other girlfriend. He's stiil the one who can say anything he wants and doesn't give a fuck about how much inappropriate that sounds and that's freaking hurts. He's still that kind of boy. And all shits he said about how I've changed him into something better and mature is a huge lie. I can tell him everything about me and still he know nothing about me.

I'd rather stand for something silly than lose for nothing. But it's not silly, it's a principle. It's my principle and I can't make any exception for anybody. He's still that 19 years old boy who ruined my life, not a mature gentleman who understand and take care of me. He's still the same. And all I could wish for is to forget I have loved him once, I have leave everything an put it on the line for him. For someone like him. A bully.

If he loves me, or even care about me, he wouldn't said something like that in the first place. Or deny and argue about it.
At the end of the day, I wish I were in coma after a big accident. Just because I really don't know how to get over with it. I want to fell asleep and never wake up with broken pieces of how much I love him and how I think he's not worth the pain anymore. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life with someone who judge people from their look, kick animal for fun or make a sick jokes like that as I've been there before. I used to be that clown that everybody judges because I'm a fat weirdo whose mother was on the wheelchair waiting for deaths. I can't live with that kind of thoughts.

And so this is how I made my decision. I'm sick of everything and I'm not afraid to let anything go. Just leave me alone, I'm still broken anyway.

Twenty-something: Attitude Problem

I'm 21 and I'll be 22 this June. And one thing I hate about being here, to live with my family, is the attitude problem. Of mine, they said, but is it? I'm 21 for God sake. I don't do drugs or skip classes (much). I don't smoke much (won't promise I'm not doing that again) or have a drinking problem. I throw myself at guys for sex, but of course with my history record, they must think I'm not a virgin anymore as they more believe of what people say than what I sa for myself, with my own definition of the life itself. I love my family, but for judging people, especially me, they are the worst and the last people on earth I would talk about me and myself. They told me I'm not open enough but one time, just one time I did and here I am, having two college in my resume.

My family makes me feel bad about myself. I lost my faith on religion, but not God. Oh well they are the best for judging how sinful I am not to wanting go to Church. She said it's up to me but look what she did if I don't go to one ceremony: a silent treatment. Hillarious. I think it's alright if once or twice for a while I went home late. It's not like I'm doing something wrong, is it a sin to enjoy being young and alive? If my dad said all the anger cause by worries, I simply don't buy it. He had so much chances to prove he's good to me and my baby bro, and yet he doesn't show anything.

I'm not an atheist. My folk raised me in Catholic and from kindegarten to senior high, I went to strict Catholic school. I feel like being pushed to know and believe something I'm not even sure of ever since. Somehow I think I'm an atheist, but how come if I still believe in God? Because I do, I really do. But I'm such a mess right now and it's been a while since I talk to Him, think I'm not good enough to talk because there's a lot of things, bad things, happen and why would He do that if He cares? I'm not in my place to appriciate things.

I am a bad person. A grumpy who hold revenge to her bone and hold it tight. In my mind I've killed a country or two and the number will grow each time I met anybody. I hate everything, everyone, I just want to be alone with a friend and it doesn't matter if people hates me anyway. Being social is overrated. I need a break from life. I wish there's a pause button, or a fast-forward/backward button would be nice.

I just don't like being nice, should I do to everyone I know? I hate that kind of crap. I hate pretend to be nice, why everybody enjoy that so much when all they wnana do is choke them? I'm totally avoiding talking to people I hate, for they presence near me irritating enough. WHY SHOULD I PRETEND AND BE SOME KIND OF FAKE BITCH? Being a bitch is bad enough, being fake makes people wish you're not born.

Is it just me find it's hard to face anything in my early twenty or does other find it difficult as well?

Pertanyaan Nggak Penting

So I found this questions list on Tumblr and since I had nothing to do yet, I guess I'll give it a try.

1. selfie

• 2. what would you name your future kids? Adriana Rangga Katari Silalahi for girl and Matthew Ezra Silalahi for boy. Not that I'm ready to have one one. I don't even like kids.
• 3. do you miss anyone? My mom.
• 4. what are you looking forward to? Job in multinational advertising agency. Great career is all I want.
• 5. is there anyone who can always make you smile? Bosco, I guess.
• 6. is it hard for you to get over someone? Totally. Years and still counting.
• 7. what was your life like last year? I was so desperate at first but last year I was an intern in Social@Ogilvy and I learn so much so I guess that's nice.
• 8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? Yup.
• 9. who did you last see in person? their good sides.
• 10. are you good at hiding your feelings? not really. maybe sometimes I do, but most of the time I don't.
• 11. are you listening to music right now? My baby brother's, Stereo Heart. Kinda hate it.
• 12. what is something you want right now? fixing the air conditioner in my bedroom. It's killing me I had to sleep in my brother's.
• 13. how do you feel right now? Alright, I guess. Just a bit lazy.
• 14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? Last Friday, on my last day in the office. It was Ferdi and Ridz and Patrick, I guess.
• 15. personality description. Ugh. I'm not a patient man. Got a bit of bad temperament. I could kill someone in my mind when I hate them, like, thrice a day.
• 16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn't? Yes. I don't have guts to do so.
• 17. opinion on insecurities. I don't know. I'm a very insecure person.
• 18. do you miss how things were a year ago? Not really. I guess things get better now.
• 19. have you ever been to New York? Nope. I wish I could work in Ogilvy NY though.
• 20. what is your favourite song at the moment?  High Hopes-Kodaline, Fuerteventura-Russian Red and classic Breathless-Shayne Ward.
• 21. age and birthday? June 11th 1992, I'll be 22 this year.
• 22. description of crush. It's like there's something inside your body, your souls, that has died for ages and when you see him, it's like you're alive once more.
• 23. fear(s). Economic crisis. Losing from a battle I'm in. Red doesn't love me anymore and not able to move on from Yellow.
• 24. height. 158cm.
• 25. role model. I'm not sure. Robin Scherbatsky and Lily Aldrin, I guess.
• 26. idol(s). Benedict Cumberbatch. Geez I want him to do me.
• 27. things i hate. Pathetic people. Racist people. Loud-annoying stupid people. I hate people, for sure.
• 28. i'll love you if... you protect me, respect me, fight for me, try to be better for yourself as you try for my sake.
• 29. favourite film(s). Molly Ringwald's.
• 30. favourite tv show(s). Sherlock, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family.
• 31. 3 random facts. Sometimes I think I love my dog more than my boyfriend and my brother, I do enjoy drinks (Vodka only, I hate beer) and cigarettes occasionally, I'm not sure I'm a good person.
• 32. are your friends mainly girls or guys? both. But most of my girlfriends are not so lady-like and I'm the most feminine in the group and I can't stand girly-kind of girl.
• 33. something you want to learn. Krav maga. the art of being a great assassin. Italian ad Spanish.
• 34. most embarrassing moment. I don't even wanna try to remember it.
• 35. favourite subject. Books. Craft. DIY. World histories and dogs.
• 36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? Being happy in the end, release all anger and madness, try to be a better person.
• 37. favourite actor/actress. molly ringwald.
• 38. favourite comedian(s). I'm not sure. I do like ben stiller & owen wilson though.
• 39. favourite sport(s). I don't have one. Swimming, I guess.
• 40. favourite memory. when the first time I met Red.
• 41. relationship status. Taken and serious.
• 42. favourite book(s). HOW ON EARTH I COULD NAME IT ALL?
• 43. favourite song ever. Everybody's Changing-Keane.
• 44. age you get mistaken for. I don't know.
• 45. how you found out about your idol. Internet.
• 46. what my last text message says. From Red, getting a massage but he don't like it.
• 47. turn ons. Brilliant mind, intimacy and kindness.
• 48. turn offs. Greedy, and I judge people from how they eat.
• 49. where i want to be right now. Bath tub.
• 50. favourite picture of your idol
• 
• 51. star sign. Gemini.
• 52. something i'm talented at. Lying.
• 53. 5 things that make me happy. TV shows episodes, notifications from any social media assets, cuddling with Red, my dog Cipluk, shopping.
• 54. something thats worrying me at the moment. My weight.
• 55. tumblr friends. Skip.
• 56. favourite food(s). Italian food, anything with cheese and Lunar New Year's special salty veggie with pork chop.
• 57. favourite animal(s). Dogs. Birds. Panda, penguins, sheep, elephant, giraffe, deer, horse. anything but sharks and insects and reptiles.
• 58. description of my best friend. He's such a silly man I would like to marry.
• 59. why i joined tumblr. i was bored.
• 60. ask me anything you want. nah.

Twenty-something: Paths

It's been ages since my last post!

So many things happen from the last time I wrote and the times between until this very minute.

I have finished my internship time in Social@Ogilvy. Six months! I got so much gifts and embrace in my last day, it almost feels like home being there. School starts next Thursday and I'm planning to send my CV to another advertising agency nearby to be an intern and get my credits this time. I got freelance job and it's a good start, I think, before I'm doing another internship program for credit.

So much things I wanna do but so little time and energy I have in one day. I wanna read more books, learn more and write fiction again. So much things I wanna do just to make me feel good, again, about myself. Which sometimes I feel like I'm doing something weird. There's always some questions like, "Am I good at this?", "On scale 1 to 10, how suck, pathetic idiot I am?" or "Am I happy with all of these achievements?".

And one questions I can't figure out: is this the real, true and right path? How significant this choice could affect my life?

Am I think too much or is it something that all people in twenties would feel about their selves?

What if it leads me nowhere? Or some place I never imagine, somewhere awesome but it takes a great deal of pain in process?

 Of course, I didn't really have a choice right now. I just hope it's not gonna hurt me.... again. I'm not that strong to take that twice in the very same decade.