Twenty-something: Attitude Problem

I'm 21 and I'll be 22 this June. And one thing I hate about being here, to live with my family, is the attitude problem. Of mine, they said, but is it? I'm 21 for God sake. I don't do drugs or skip classes (much). I don't smoke much (won't promise I'm not doing that again) or have a drinking problem. I throw myself at guys for sex, but of course with my history record, they must think I'm not a virgin anymore as they more believe of what people say than what I sa for myself, with my own definition of the life itself. I love my family, but for judging people, especially me, they are the worst and the last people on earth I would talk about me and myself. They told me I'm not open enough but one time, just one time I did and here I am, having two college in my resume.

My family makes me feel bad about myself. I lost my faith on religion, but not God. Oh well they are the best for judging how sinful I am not to wanting go to Church. She said it's up to me but look what she did if I don't go to one ceremony: a silent treatment. Hillarious. I think it's alright if once or twice for a while I went home late. It's not like I'm doing something wrong, is it a sin to enjoy being young and alive? If my dad said all the anger cause by worries, I simply don't buy it. He had so much chances to prove he's good to me and my baby bro, and yet he doesn't show anything.

I'm not an atheist. My folk raised me in Catholic and from kindegarten to senior high, I went to strict Catholic school. I feel like being pushed to know and believe something I'm not even sure of ever since. Somehow I think I'm an atheist, but how come if I still believe in God? Because I do, I really do. But I'm such a mess right now and it's been a while since I talk to Him, think I'm not good enough to talk because there's a lot of things, bad things, happen and why would He do that if He cares? I'm not in my place to appriciate things.

I am a bad person. A grumpy who hold revenge to her bone and hold it tight. In my mind I've killed a country or two and the number will grow each time I met anybody. I hate everything, everyone, I just want to be alone with a friend and it doesn't matter if people hates me anyway. Being social is overrated. I need a break from life. I wish there's a pause button, or a fast-forward/backward button would be nice.

I just don't like being nice, should I do to everyone I know? I hate that kind of crap. I hate pretend to be nice, why everybody enjoy that so much when all they wnana do is choke them? I'm totally avoiding talking to people I hate, for they presence near me irritating enough. WHY SHOULD I PRETEND AND BE SOME KIND OF FAKE BITCH? Being a bitch is bad enough, being fake makes people wish you're not born.

Is it just me find it's hard to face anything in my early twenty or does other find it difficult as well?