I'm Out

I don't feel good about anything lately. About me, how logically I'm trying to persuade myself things are gonna be fine and how I try to remember again and again the reasons why I love him. I loved him, once. And now I'm not even sure what I'm feeling inside. I've been try to follow my heart for this past 4 years, try to convince myself he's worth the pain. The more I tried the bigger doubts I found. I have followed my heart like it's the only right thing to do and it leads me nowhere. It causes so many mess and tears and burden and sighs, not to mention how much hard it is. And I live with it for 4 years. So this time I gotta follow my brain.

I was never ready for him to leave. But I need him to. I really thought i was going to make a big mistake for letting him go, even just for a second. I thought it's gonna be a week of hardcore crying before I finally admit I have no shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to, because he's both my best friend and lover. And future, I hope, but do we really have it?

But last night he make a sick jokes about something that nobody should laugh about it. Of course I'm mad with hatred and anger but he don't care about any of it. And it hits me. I realize he's not changing. he's still the same, he's still the stupid boy who text his girlfriend a nickname of his other girlfriend. He's stiil the one who can say anything he wants and doesn't give a fuck about how much inappropriate that sounds and that's freaking hurts. He's still that kind of boy. And all shits he said about how I've changed him into something better and mature is a huge lie. I can tell him everything about me and still he know nothing about me.

I'd rather stand for something silly than lose for nothing. But it's not silly, it's a principle. It's my principle and I can't make any exception for anybody. He's still that 19 years old boy who ruined my life, not a mature gentleman who understand and take care of me. He's still the same. And all I could wish for is to forget I have loved him once, I have leave everything an put it on the line for him. For someone like him. A bully.

If he loves me, or even care about me, he wouldn't said something like that in the first place. Or deny and argue about it.
At the end of the day, I wish I were in coma after a big accident. Just because I really don't know how to get over with it. I want to fell asleep and never wake up with broken pieces of how much I love him and how I think he's not worth the pain anymore. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life with someone who judge people from their look, kick animal for fun or make a sick jokes like that as I've been there before. I used to be that clown that everybody judges because I'm a fat weirdo whose mother was on the wheelchair waiting for deaths. I can't live with that kind of thoughts.

And so this is how I made my decision. I'm sick of everything and I'm not afraid to let anything go. Just leave me alone, I'm still broken anyway.