23

It's been a year since I wrote that last post. Time flies, I'm 23 years old now.
Things are changed now. I feel bitter sometimes, but I laughed anyway most of the time.

For quick update, I'm still with Red now. Last year was a mess for both of  us. We said things we didn't mean. I gave away my feelings to someone who don't deserve it, who clearly say I'm the number two. For a moment I was ready to face it, but later I realize how people take me for granted and I don't even know it. I took months to get better, but it gave me perspective of what an adult should do. What I'm gonna do when I older, and what I wish I will never do. Yellow's getting married and for a time a feel less of a woman. I feel hideous and blue, probably because he's my first love. Last year, I was ready to left him and start a new page. But he hold on, and I was ignoring it. But we're starting over, we talk, and now it feels like we're in a good phase. Better than ever!

I went to Seoul, South Korea for office's outing and it was a great experience. It makes me realize I didn't want this job forever. now I'm thinking to resign, but you know it's not that easy to pursue something for passion. It will costs you something, and I knew it's something I can't afford.

I'm into make ups now. I love lipstick. But I gain weight much more than I should, I'm back being a fatty now and that's sad. I should change that soon.

Anyway, talk to you soon.

Oh yes, I'm with the bangs now.

Twenty-something: Attitude Problem

I'm 21 and I'll be 22 this June. And one thing I hate about being here, to live with my family, is the attitude problem. Of mine, they said, but is it? I'm 21 for God sake. I don't do drugs or skip classes (much). I don't smoke much (won't promise I'm not doing that again) or have a drinking problem. I throw myself at guys for sex, but of course with my history record, they must think I'm not a virgin anymore as they more believe of what people say than what I sa for myself, with my own definition of the life itself. I love my family, but for judging people, especially me, they are the worst and the last people on earth I would talk about me and myself. They told me I'm not open enough but one time, just one time I did and here I am, having two college in my resume.

My family makes me feel bad about myself. I lost my faith on religion, but not God. Oh well they are the best for judging how sinful I am not to wanting go to Church. She said it's up to me but look what she did if I don't go to one ceremony: a silent treatment. Hillarious. I think it's alright if once or twice for a while I went home late. It's not like I'm doing something wrong, is it a sin to enjoy being young and alive? If my dad said all the anger cause by worries, I simply don't buy it. He had so much chances to prove he's good to me and my baby bro, and yet he doesn't show anything.

I'm not an atheist. My folk raised me in Catholic and from kindegarten to senior high, I went to strict Catholic school. I feel like being pushed to know and believe something I'm not even sure of ever since. Somehow I think I'm an atheist, but how come if I still believe in God? Because I do, I really do. But I'm such a mess right now and it's been a while since I talk to Him, think I'm not good enough to talk because there's a lot of things, bad things, happen and why would He do that if He cares? I'm not in my place to appriciate things.

I am a bad person. A grumpy who hold revenge to her bone and hold it tight. In my mind I've killed a country or two and the number will grow each time I met anybody. I hate everything, everyone, I just want to be alone with a friend and it doesn't matter if people hates me anyway. Being social is overrated. I need a break from life. I wish there's a pause button, or a fast-forward/backward button would be nice.

I just don't like being nice, should I do to everyone I know? I hate that kind of crap. I hate pretend to be nice, why everybody enjoy that so much when all they wnana do is choke them? I'm totally avoiding talking to people I hate, for they presence near me irritating enough. WHY SHOULD I PRETEND AND BE SOME KIND OF FAKE BITCH? Being a bitch is bad enough, being fake makes people wish you're not born.

Is it just me find it's hard to face anything in my early twenty or does other find it difficult as well?

Twenty-something: Paths

It's been ages since my last post!

So many things happen from the last time I wrote and the times between until this very minute.

I have finished my internship time in Social@Ogilvy. Six months! I got so much gifts and embrace in my last day, it almost feels like home being there. School starts next Thursday and I'm planning to send my CV to another advertising agency nearby to be an intern and get my credits this time. I got freelance job and it's a good start, I think, before I'm doing another internship program for credit.

So much things I wanna do but so little time and energy I have in one day. I wanna read more books, learn more and write fiction again. So much things I wanna do just to make me feel good, again, about myself. Which sometimes I feel like I'm doing something weird. There's always some questions like, "Am I good at this?", "On scale 1 to 10, how suck, pathetic idiot I am?" or "Am I happy with all of these achievements?".

And one questions I can't figure out: is this the real, true and right path? How significant this choice could affect my life?

Am I think too much or is it something that all people in twenties would feel about their selves?

What if it leads me nowhere? Or some place I never imagine, somewhere awesome but it takes a great deal of pain in process?

 Of course, I didn't really have a choice right now. I just hope it's not gonna hurt me.... again. I'm not that strong to take that twice in the very same decade.

My Not-So-Calm Sunday

Soooo...... I told you before about my interviews in Ogilvy. And I really thought I messed it up. Turns out I'm not. Not entirely, maybe. Last Friday I got a call from the human resources and they want me to start in Monday. Tomorrow.
That's cool. But like I always did, I panicked about little things like, "What should I wear? I had no clothes!" when actually I just bought some couple weeks ago.
Or "How should I speak?" as if I'm an alien and I have never speak to anyone, ever, before.
And "Should I bring my own lunch? Whom I will eat my lunch with?" because bring my own meal looks so childish but I'm not so affordable enough to buy one every single day (the office is right beside Senayan City and Plaza Senayan. I'l be damn poor if I did.). And eat lunch all alone makes me feel bad sometimes. Well, most of the times.
I'm torn between excitement and fears like first day of school. Thank God it mostly excitement. I will work hard and learn harder!

Meanwhile, these are my Sunday-lazy-looks. Haven't wash my hair, panda-eyes and lack of sleep's evidence can't be hidden cause I lost my glasses of 5 years, chubby-fatty cheeks, what a shame.

Twenty-something Problem: Job are Tough

I feel my life goes nowhere. And I'm afraid of how much I'm pretty sure it's true.

It all begin couple months ago. My digital advertising's teacher promise (or that's what I thought, forgot how people forget or lie) that she'll take 5 students who passed the class to be an intern in her company.  I was so excited cause I've been looking for jobs ever since I was in my first semester in Jakarta. So I worked hard. Maybe not that hard, but I know a put a lot of efforts in that class, try to learn and analyze the task, try to understand the subject. God knows I try. I work harder than anyone in the class to have a good result, to learn and of course, to be ready once she call me back for the intern-promise. I have my CV sent to her right in time she asked me to.

So I wait. Patiently. I wait till the last day of final exam, I wait a little more after that. Still I wait cause I thought she probably wants to hire people after Ramadhan, and I wait a little longer thinks she maybe call when the result of test is done. Or officially sent from campus. Until this very day, there's no word from her.

And I gave up, thought I may failed the class. But I'm not. I got a A. A fucking damn A. And that's when I knew I should just give up.

And then good news come.

A friend of mine said that her boss could use some account executive intern for a local advertising agency. I thought that was great, I'll join. And in the very same moment, the other friend of mind said that Ogilvy needs a social media intern. That would be so cool and great and cool and awesome. So I sent my CV, expect nothing cause I'm just me. A fat stupid girl.

But they call me for an interview. I'm so excited I panicked. I thought I would cry over this and I'll be another student who come for a job and failed. But they mail me back, asked me to come again. I'm so glad cause they said that I might be suitable for the job. So I came. And it ain't job acceptance. It's another interview with different people.

Again, I'm in my mourning period. I cry for my lack of academy experience. Good scores doesn't mean anything at all. It really doesn't matter. The truth is I need this job so bad. I want this. I need to learn more, and school is never enough. It's like I'm thirst for knowledge in my own way.

On those two interview, I really didn't think twice when I answered their question. It feels more like chatting and share my thoughts rather than an interview. And that scares me even more.

I don't know what's gonna happen next. I try to not put any expectation on it, cause when life leads you in way you never thought you want, it'll hurt. No matter it's the right path for you or not it would be still hurt anyway. And pain is the worst. Most of the is overrated.

Anyway.

Whatever their answer is, whether I'm accepted or not, I just hope I'll be strong enough to face it. Being twenty-something is not easy.