Mine

It's been a long time since I wrote a post. It's been a busy year anyway, full of hard work and achievement for both of us, me and Red.

I've got a permanent job even though I'm still on my 6th semester, try to work it out and give my best. Red had finished his thesis, and seek for a good job while he's waiting for graduation day next June. And things are fine, though it could be hard in some days but we're working on it and seems like we have fills one to another life everyday. But still, distance sucks. Even the tiniest.

Red's got into a motorcycle accident last Tuesday, and it broke my heart. It's the most serious accident he ever been. He cracked his right hand, injured his left hand and one twisted ankle. I didn't really worry at first because he told me it's okay, it's just a scratch. But he can lie forever so he told me the full story.

The first thing came on my mind is some kind of a prayer. Thank God, You took care of him.

I'm not really a religious person. I'm not sure whether my faith is faded away or I'm fall apart with God, even though deep down inside I know He's the only one who could save me. I have this distance with prayers and what happened to Red makes me feel like I really wanna go back to Him this time. I need Him in my life, of course, and I want to have a good relationship with Him as well.

Anyway. Yesterday I pay a visit to his house. There's a little stupid mistake of me to his father, which I'm sure it will make him hates me more (oh well I don't mind). But it makes me better to see him, and not because he's so much in pain. I helped his mother (or should I say, mother-in-law? lol :) changing his bandages and putting a traditional medicine to reduce his swelling hand. I have a good chit chat with his youngest sissy while he's falling asleep and I think we make a great bond.

It makes me realize so many things. Like, how much I love him and how much I really want to be with him. And how I started to accept things like, this is hard but it's real and it's worth to fight. Like literally, it's worth.

.

I don't hate you.
How can I hate something, someone that I have loved so much for years? I even gave up everything I have just for it. Put my life on the line just for you, sacrifice my whole past and future and maybe the world, ignore any better man just to be with you. It's not the intelligence that counts, it's the kindness you have that I fell in love with.
But once I see how wrong you could be for a moment may have change so much perception of you. Makes me step back and think, are you really that man I choose? Cause it seems to me lately you just someone I that I used to know. You act childishly, and that's the worst thing anyone can do after so much statement about how a grown-up you are.
You hate me that much that you won't even see my face even just for a bit. And I don't get it why you are the one who avoiding me? Shouldn't I be the one who do that to you after what you've just said? If you try to make me feel guilty and say how stupid you are and how you're not good for me, I think you got it right.
Because the last thing I need to hear is something that could makes me feel bad about myself, which I already did.

Cheesy Stuff. Don't Read It Or You'll Get Sick.

We've been through a rough patch for some quite time. Maybe we still on it. Guess we working on it.
I've been so busy for this past 3 months with this internship job and school. I haven't see him in two months and I think I'm getting used to, as we've been in distance for a long time and it feels like forever.
He used to be the one who acting cool all the time and I'm the one who desperately moody. But this time he's nagging a little bit much. And it's funny.

Yesterday we're having this conversation, and I'm not sure what it is.
He said, "I wanna asked you a cheesy question. But it's not a bullshit, I'm serious."
"What?" I asked, prepare myself for another jokes he might thinking of. Like the one with a housewife jobdesc and another. Well I don't always remember exactly what we talk about things and stuff, but I do know it feels good to smile whenever he acts silly.
"Be the last one." I'm not sure if it's a question or a statement. Cause he said it once already, as an statement, that he want me to. "It's a question," said he when I asked. "Please answer me."
"Nope. I don't want to."
He laugh. "Alright, I'll just go then. I'm mad at you."
"But I could be the last two person you love. Give two little space for someone else."
"For whom?"
"Our little weirdo."
"I can live with that," and I can feel his smiling to me though I don't see it. "What score I get for this cheesy conversation? I bet it's a high point."
"Seven. Good enough."
"Oh how could you get me a seven?"
"Because you're doing it over the phone and it's not romantic. I'll give you a ten when we meet."
"Then I shall asked you that question again. Please stay, I need you."

Sometimes I wonder what he sees in me. A person like me.
Seeing him being a grown up guy like that makes me feels save. Like a home. I know him long enough to understand what kind of person he is. He's so annoying. Sensitive, but he stay quiet like a wallflowers. He could be so mad that he broke something or sounds like a man in bullfighting, he could be so much pain in the ass when he didn't reply the text all day just because he was too lazy to type. And I sometimes hate the way he forgot things, like my birthday, when he actually have bought me a gift as we celebrate it one day early (and I was like, "Man, you forgot my birthday less than 12 hours after we celebrate it one day before?"). But he remember things. Mostly little things. Like my mother's favorite flower when I tell him in slight little conversation, like how I was so tired and said that's better if he's the one who work and I'll be stay-home-wife.

I never thought I could make someone that happy. Said my smile was the one thing that could lighten him up, when actually I don't even like myself, not especially my smile with these frizzle tooth I have.
Makes me thing what I've bee doing all this time, with all mixed feeling with the past who have found its future.

This road is hard. Doesn't mean it's impossible. If he believe what we've done will not be a waste, then I should too. I believe, in his faith of us.

P.s.
Playlist while writing this crap (it matters, though. Gotta make it my post signature!)
some Korean song by Standing EGG
Dead Sea - The Lumineers
Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran
Crave You - Flight Facilities ft. Giselle
Down Under (Acoustic Version) - NONONO
Pumpin Blood (Acoustic Version) - NONONO
Feels Like We Only Go Backwards - Tame Impala

Bitter Heart : No F, No R, No E

I'm not sure how much a heart can hold.
Has forever changed, lost the F, the R and first E, and it becomes over?

I'm not sure I understand you well. All these crap; distances, secrets, being strong and being patient, it's sucks. I'm freaking tired to deal with it everyday but still I did it any anyway because you are the biggest part of me I won't let go. Or at least that was what I thought. Maybe, like you said, the little voice in our heart had spoken. But sometimes, and I guess it feels like a habit, I lose my faith and need a good rest or maybe stop a little while.

But when you say it, it sounds different to me. I frankly don't know what to say. Or do. And imagine a life without you is something I never planned. Holding another man's hand or grow old with someone else is definitely not an ideal life I would have. No matter how mad you made me or how weird your annoying habits. Singing a lame song out of tune, who does that? You.

Are you really gonna go or what? The wise thing to do is let me know whether you're a war I need to win or a lesson to another story.

4 Letter Word

People say 'love' is 4 letter word. So does 'shit', and 'fuck'.
And that's a perfect line how to describe my life lately.

I say SHIT.
When it's 8 in the morning or 9 PM and I don't get a seat in the bus or too lazy to move my ass off to work or home. Or, when my favorite dress or shirt was sold out.

I say FUCK.
When I make mistake in work, or I got a C for test. I say it when people acts like jerks, I say it like every time and I loved saying that.

I say LOVE.
When my dogs are so thrilled to see me every time I went home. Every morning when I called Red, waking him up and every night when I'm comfy in my bed, ready to sleep and need heard his voice before I off to dream. Or when I'm in the office and suddenly missing him. And he will always knew how I feel even if we were holding hands in silence.

Anyway, I'm addicted to these songs. Love it!

I Just Need Us To Stay Together a Little Bit Longer, a Little Bit Forever.

 In madness I changed my mind thousand times a day. I'm happy, then I'm not. I feel broken, then I healed. I lost, and then I found. But it would be better to be found.

But despite all crazy things about me being bipolar bitch, I believe in one thing: that whatever gonna happen on us in future, whether we still together a year, maybe ten years from now or not, I want to hold on those happy moment we spent. Like,

the way you smile and laugh

the way you look at me

the way you hold my hand

and how annoying your habits to sing some part of lyric out of nowhere.

The way you move

touch me

embrace me

protecting

and how you made me feel.

Safe and sound. As if there's nothing bad is gonna happen when you're around

or if we stick together

through thick or thin.

The faith you always had when you talk about your future

and me in it, make it ours.

How frustrated you made me when you're not calling,

and makes me up all night (well almost midnight I guess)

then I fell asleep in either tears, anger or worries.

I need to remember all those things. Because if I'm not then there's nothing good left for me when a day goes by so sucky it get worse and make the worst day for me cause all I had is bad memories.

And again, it'll changes me.

And I'll be one thing I never wanna be.

Misanthropy. 

Pretty scary, right?

Oh how I wish I could be brave enough to believing, cause obviously I'm not any good at it.

But tonight, I miss you a lot dear. A lot. Huge.

I miss you with all my heart, my soul.

I miss you so much it hurts.

Mind and body. Heart and head.

Makes me feel like I need some great sleep. But you know I can't without your arms as my pillow.

So I'm just gonna take off now, go to bed.

Imagine your warmth, your skin and goodnight sleep I'm gonna get from you.

Pretend you're near and hope you'll be right next to me when I wake up.

Somehow, just get here.