Bitter What-If's: Santa Monica Dream - Angus and Julia Stone

Goodbye to my Santa Monica dream

Fifteen kids in the backyard drinking wine

You tell me stories of the sea

And the ones you left behind

Goodbye to the roses on your street

Goodbye to the paintings on your wall

Goodbye to the children we'll never meet

And the ones we left behind

And the ones we left behind

I'm somewhere, you're somewhere

I'm nowhere, you're nowhere

You're somewhere, you're somewhere

I could go there but I don't

Rob's in the kitchen making pizza

Somewhere down in Battery Park

I'm singing songs about the future

Wondering where you are

I could call you on the telephone

But do I really want to know?

You're making love now to the lady down the road

No I don't, I don't want to know

I'm somewhere, you're somewhere

I'm nowhere, you're nowhere

You're somewhere, you're somewhere

I could go there but I don;t

Goodbye to my Santa Monica dream

Fifteen kids in the backyard drinking wine

You will tell me stories of the sea

And the ones you left behind

And the ones we left behind

Cheesy Stuff. Don't Read It Or You'll Get Sick.

We've been through a rough patch for some quite time. Maybe we still on it. Guess we working on it.
I've been so busy for this past 3 months with this internship job and school. I haven't see him in two months and I think I'm getting used to, as we've been in distance for a long time and it feels like forever.
He used to be the one who acting cool all the time and I'm the one who desperately moody. But this time he's nagging a little bit much. And it's funny.

Yesterday we're having this conversation, and I'm not sure what it is.
He said, "I wanna asked you a cheesy question. But it's not a bullshit, I'm serious."
"What?" I asked, prepare myself for another jokes he might thinking of. Like the one with a housewife jobdesc and another. Well I don't always remember exactly what we talk about things and stuff, but I do know it feels good to smile whenever he acts silly.
"Be the last one." I'm not sure if it's a question or a statement. Cause he said it once already, as an statement, that he want me to. "It's a question," said he when I asked. "Please answer me."
"Nope. I don't want to."
He laugh. "Alright, I'll just go then. I'm mad at you."
"But I could be the last two person you love. Give two little space for someone else."
"For whom?"
"Our little weirdo."
"I can live with that," and I can feel his smiling to me though I don't see it. "What score I get for this cheesy conversation? I bet it's a high point."
"Seven. Good enough."
"Oh how could you get me a seven?"
"Because you're doing it over the phone and it's not romantic. I'll give you a ten when we meet."
"Then I shall asked you that question again. Please stay, I need you."

Sometimes I wonder what he sees in me. A person like me.
Seeing him being a grown up guy like that makes me feels save. Like a home. I know him long enough to understand what kind of person he is. He's so annoying. Sensitive, but he stay quiet like a wallflowers. He could be so mad that he broke something or sounds like a man in bullfighting, he could be so much pain in the ass when he didn't reply the text all day just because he was too lazy to type. And I sometimes hate the way he forgot things, like my birthday, when he actually have bought me a gift as we celebrate it one day early (and I was like, "Man, you forgot my birthday less than 12 hours after we celebrate it one day before?"). But he remember things. Mostly little things. Like my mother's favorite flower when I tell him in slight little conversation, like how I was so tired and said that's better if he's the one who work and I'll be stay-home-wife.

I never thought I could make someone that happy. Said my smile was the one thing that could lighten him up, when actually I don't even like myself, not especially my smile with these frizzle tooth I have.
Makes me thing what I've bee doing all this time, with all mixed feeling with the past who have found its future.

This road is hard. Doesn't mean it's impossible. If he believe what we've done will not be a waste, then I should too. I believe, in his faith of us.

P.s.
Playlist while writing this crap (it matters, though. Gotta make it my post signature!)
some Korean song by Standing EGG
Dead Sea - The Lumineers
Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran
Crave You - Flight Facilities ft. Giselle
Down Under (Acoustic Version) - NONONO
Pumpin Blood (Acoustic Version) - NONONO
Feels Like We Only Go Backwards - Tame Impala

Bitter Heart : No F, No R, No E

I'm not sure how much a heart can hold.
Has forever changed, lost the F, the R and first E, and it becomes over?

I'm not sure I understand you well. All these crap; distances, secrets, being strong and being patient, it's sucks. I'm freaking tired to deal with it everyday but still I did it any anyway because you are the biggest part of me I won't let go. Or at least that was what I thought. Maybe, like you said, the little voice in our heart had spoken. But sometimes, and I guess it feels like a habit, I lose my faith and need a good rest or maybe stop a little while.

But when you say it, it sounds different to me. I frankly don't know what to say. Or do. And imagine a life without you is something I never planned. Holding another man's hand or grow old with someone else is definitely not an ideal life I would have. No matter how mad you made me or how weird your annoying habits. Singing a lame song out of tune, who does that? You.

Are you really gonna go or what? The wise thing to do is let me know whether you're a war I need to win or a lesson to another story.

4 Letter Word

People say 'love' is 4 letter word. So does 'shit', and 'fuck'.
And that's a perfect line how to describe my life lately.

I say SHIT.
When it's 8 in the morning or 9 PM and I don't get a seat in the bus or too lazy to move my ass off to work or home. Or, when my favorite dress or shirt was sold out.

I say FUCK.
When I make mistake in work, or I got a C for test. I say it when people acts like jerks, I say it like every time and I loved saying that.

I say LOVE.
When my dogs are so thrilled to see me every time I went home. Every morning when I called Red, waking him up and every night when I'm comfy in my bed, ready to sleep and need heard his voice before I off to dream. Or when I'm in the office and suddenly missing him. And he will always knew how I feel even if we were holding hands in silence.

Anyway, I'm addicted to these songs. Love it!

My Not-So-Calm Sunday

Soooo...... I told you before about my interviews in Ogilvy. And I really thought I messed it up. Turns out I'm not. Not entirely, maybe. Last Friday I got a call from the human resources and they want me to start in Monday. Tomorrow.
That's cool. But like I always did, I panicked about little things like, "What should I wear? I had no clothes!" when actually I just bought some couple weeks ago.
Or "How should I speak?" as if I'm an alien and I have never speak to anyone, ever, before.
And "Should I bring my own lunch? Whom I will eat my lunch with?" because bring my own meal looks so childish but I'm not so affordable enough to buy one every single day (the office is right beside Senayan City and Plaza Senayan. I'l be damn poor if I did.). And eat lunch all alone makes me feel bad sometimes. Well, most of the times.
I'm torn between excitement and fears like first day of school. Thank God it mostly excitement. I will work hard and learn harder!

Meanwhile, these are my Sunday-lazy-looks. Haven't wash my hair, panda-eyes and lack of sleep's evidence can't be hidden cause I lost my glasses of 5 years, chubby-fatty cheeks, what a shame.

Twenty-something Problem: Job are Tough

I feel my life goes nowhere. And I'm afraid of how much I'm pretty sure it's true.

It all begin couple months ago. My digital advertising's teacher promise (or that's what I thought, forgot how people forget or lie) that she'll take 5 students who passed the class to be an intern in her company.  I was so excited cause I've been looking for jobs ever since I was in my first semester in Jakarta. So I worked hard. Maybe not that hard, but I know a put a lot of efforts in that class, try to learn and analyze the task, try to understand the subject. God knows I try. I work harder than anyone in the class to have a good result, to learn and of course, to be ready once she call me back for the intern-promise. I have my CV sent to her right in time she asked me to.

So I wait. Patiently. I wait till the last day of final exam, I wait a little more after that. Still I wait cause I thought she probably wants to hire people after Ramadhan, and I wait a little longer thinks she maybe call when the result of test is done. Or officially sent from campus. Until this very day, there's no word from her.

And I gave up, thought I may failed the class. But I'm not. I got a A. A fucking damn A. And that's when I knew I should just give up.

And then good news come.

A friend of mine said that her boss could use some account executive intern for a local advertising agency. I thought that was great, I'll join. And in the very same moment, the other friend of mind said that Ogilvy needs a social media intern. That would be so cool and great and cool and awesome. So I sent my CV, expect nothing cause I'm just me. A fat stupid girl.

But they call me for an interview. I'm so excited I panicked. I thought I would cry over this and I'll be another student who come for a job and failed. But they mail me back, asked me to come again. I'm so glad cause they said that I might be suitable for the job. So I came. And it ain't job acceptance. It's another interview with different people.

Again, I'm in my mourning period. I cry for my lack of academy experience. Good scores doesn't mean anything at all. It really doesn't matter. The truth is I need this job so bad. I want this. I need to learn more, and school is never enough. It's like I'm thirst for knowledge in my own way.

On those two interview, I really didn't think twice when I answered their question. It feels more like chatting and share my thoughts rather than an interview. And that scares me even more.

I don't know what's gonna happen next. I try to not put any expectation on it, cause when life leads you in way you never thought you want, it'll hurt. No matter it's the right path for you or not it would be still hurt anyway. And pain is the worst. Most of the is overrated.

Anyway.

Whatever their answer is, whether I'm accepted or not, I just hope I'll be strong enough to face it. Being twenty-something is not easy.

Sinking Wanderer

So today, I mean yesterday, I got call for job interview in one of biggest advertising agency (and I won't say it, fear it might be hurt if my phone doesn't ring). And one of the interviewer asked why I choose this blog URL. I never think of that. I used it simply cause I thought it's beautiful. Hauntingly beautiful. And today when she asked me, I gave her weird answer how there's an ocean and lands and how our choice to live, or how people are like ships.
Now I'm at home and am not nervous anymore, I'm pretty sure I was drugged and drunk. STUPID GIRL WHY WOULD YOU BE SO STUPID WHEN YOU'RE NERVOUS?! It's like junior high all over again. Great job to make yourself accepted.
Anyway. I always see myself as someone who can do nothing. I had dreams and never once I get exactly what I want. I somehow always lived in this weird complex area of life where most people usually went there once or thrice a lifetime, byt I lived there ever since I can remember.
The reason why I'm so scared to falling in love in love or why it's not easy for me to rely on anybody. Reason why I can't be too emphatic or why I easily cry. My phobia to screams and loud voices. And why I changed from wallflower to this tempramental selfish bitch in 2 years.
Because I'm trying to be nice and they take it for granted. Because I used to believe kindness, gave away everything and I got nothing. My heart takes me nowhere. And I've been through the most depressing moment of my life where you finally able to open and they judge you, when I finally found all I'm loooking for and they take it away from you. And when I tell the truth and nobody's believed that. I've been there. All at once.
I was sinking. Drowned into madness and it feels like I almost lose my insanity after my faith in if-you're-nice-to-people-they'll-treat-you-nice concept. That's totally bullshit.
I heard it from somewhere, how psychology, people tends to choose the worst part of scenario for them. Is it Freud, or is it Socrates? Can't seem to remember.
And I choose to sink. People refuse it but I need it. My bad day last for 6 months. If you had the worst, isn't that good? Nothing's gonna scares me anymore. And I believe my pain worthed. It's gonna make sense someday.
So talk about bad luck, while other people deny it or hides it, I'm gonna embrace it.
I'm proud of it  I drawn and I survived. I'm alive.
And I don't say this analogy make sense.

History Crush: Yvonne Fournier

Jadi dalam rangka HUT RI tahun ini, I present you a post about my latest crush of the month. Mungkin agak nggak nyambung karena Yvonne Fournier bukan pahlawan nasional. Dan suaminya, Westerling, sama sekali tidak memiliki imej baik bagi kebanyakan rakyat Indonesia karena dikenal berdarah dingin. A war criminal. But I still want to post it anyway cause I think she's pretty.

Ia dikenal sebagai istri Raymond Westerling, seorang komandan pasukan Belanda yang dikecam Indonesia karena ia bertanggung jawab atas meninggalnya ribuan warga Sulawesi Selatan dalam Pembantaian Westerling pada Desember 1946-Februari 1947, juga percobaan kudeta Angkatan Perang Ratu Adil di Jawa Barat pada 23 Januari 1950.

Here's some link about how devil Westerling is.

• Westerling, the Dutch's Hitler
• Westerling Finally Smiling
• Westerling's Wife been Caught
• Westerling's War

Anyway. Yvonne Fournier adalah blasteran Indonesia-Perancis dan menikah dengan Wseterling pada tahun 40an. Ini kutipan artikel dari The Jakarta Post yang dapat menjelaskan sedikit dari kehidupan Yvonne.

Once back in the Netherlands, Westerling settled down with his Indonesian–French wife, Yvonne Fournier, in a small town in the state of Friesland. Their first child, Celia Veldhuis, born in 1948 in West Java, says the ghosts of war continued to haunt him.

“Father had to work through his war experiences during our childhood, though he never spoke a word about those times,” the soft-spoken Veldhuis recalls. “There was no support, no counseling like there is now. He always had headaches, probably from the shrapnel still lodged in his skull. He slept badly. He drank a lot from time to time.”

Money was tight, and they lived in a small house. Veldhuis describes Westerling as “restless and erratic, yet also warm and caring”.

“When my mother was taking courses to become a hairdresser, he was the one who took care of the household: washing, cooking, taking care of the children,” she says.

Not much information I can get through human's favorite search engine though. I wish I could find some other information about her. She looks lovely.

Late Post of Singapore 2013

On late June-soon-to-be-July I went to Singapore as have been planned. I wasn't in a good mood, more like fuck-everyone-fuck-everything-mood cause I was have a silly fight with Red. But anyhow, it's good enough. I feel great. So here's my holiday report.

Ikea Madness

I feel like an idiot. I've always like to go to Ace Hardware on Informa, even if don't buy anything for myself. I love seeing things, furniture, beds, sofas, kitchen sets, as I wonder how great it would be if Red and me went together, someday in our future, choosing kitchen sets, me drooling over weird/unique decoration while he rolls his eyes as he always do, or arguing about what colors for bed sheet and sofas and walls of our home.

But then I went to Ikea. And it's like, well, mind blowing. No wonder my cousins always had that urge to go poop whenever she's there. Silly thing. I guess I kinda feel the same.

Straight from Changi, messy hair, I haven't even bath or unpack yet.

I bought that white lampion! Lovin it.

Jurong Bird Park

I was excited, but turns out it's not as great as I thought it would be. It's still fun though. Have a great time, loving all those flamingos and all cute little birdies.

With Vania.

Flamingos!!!!

Feathers. There's an urge to make a dreamcatcher after seeing this. I'm weird, I know.

Bras Basah, near Bugis MRT station

Books drooling! It's all I can say about it. Pretty books, good books, feels like heaven. I bought 4 books for school and it weights like almost 10 kilograms on my baggage. Imagine how I carried those big books from Bugis to our rented apartment in People's Park Chinatown! 

Penguin books new cover! It's all so pretty I wanna cry.

Marine Museum, Sentosa Island

We rode cable car and went to Marine Museum and Underwater World (I honestly don't remember what the name whatsoever is). And no, I refuse to go to Universal Studio or taking any picture in it. Somehow I hate it. Many fishes, starfish, corals and all underwater creature. It's awesome.

Yeah I gain weight. Shit. I'm look like a fucking panda with those big fat body and my lack-of-sleep eyes.

A Little Bit Late, But It's Official

Or click here if you wanna know what messy, melancholic past look like.

Bitter Me: Insecurities Kills

And suddenly it hits me. Right in the spot where I never thought someone's gonna touch it, not again at least. It's not like I feel lost, I feel like life going nowhere or life was like Taylor Swift's 22 song. "Happy, free, confused, lonely at the same time."

I feel insecure, too. And I have no idea it kills me slowly.

"A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurities." Dalai Lama.

"A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity." Robert A. Heinlein.

"Most bad behavior comes from insecurity." Debra Winger.

"Anger is a manifestation of a deeper issue... and that, for me, is based on insecurity, self-esteem and loneliness." Naomi Campbell.

I feel so damn insecure and it's fucking terrible. Maybe that's why I'm easily burden, always in tense, always in hurry for something that can wait a little while. I'm broken, I knew that long time ago. But my insecurities follows me wherever I go. I'm a perfectionist, so everything I earn feels good for a while. But then when I see something better, I feel bad for myself. I feel like nothing good ever happen to me, nothing good enough I can achieve. I look at the mirror and my reflection shows the worst of me. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not rich enough, not good enough to live. I have bad teeth and ugly eyes and fat and I feel sorry for myself.

Shake It Out

"If it's meant for you, you won't have to beg for it. You will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny." - Chelsis Porter

 Like every people who stay in a relationship, sure I've been wondering if it's really meant to be. Me, him, us, together and maybe forever. There's so many hours times 3 years of this relationship that I spent thinking, arguing with myself whether this is a right path for happiness or not. Wondering if he's the one.

I used to think that's just some issues and I thought get through it but it's August and by the 28th it'll be officially (or not) 3 years been together. And somehow that scares me. A lot.

What if we don't make it through the fourth? What if we make it through the fourth, the fifth, the sixth and so on but I still feel the same. Break up is not the answer, I knew it cause I've been trying to broke up but somehow I keep coming back to him. Sometimes it feels like I lost my faith on everything. Well I already lost in but I never thought I'd lose it on him.

What is going on, and what the hell I'm actually searching for? Still I feel like I'm still waiting something that hasn't come yet.

I currently listening to Shake it Out by Florence + The Machines. She said, "It's always the darkest before the dawn."

I wonder.

I Just Need Us To Stay Together a Little Bit Longer, a Little Bit Forever.

 In madness I changed my mind thousand times a day. I'm happy, then I'm not. I feel broken, then I healed. I lost, and then I found. But it would be better to be found.

But despite all crazy things about me being bipolar bitch, I believe in one thing: that whatever gonna happen on us in future, whether we still together a year, maybe ten years from now or not, I want to hold on those happy moment we spent. Like,

the way you smile and laugh

the way you look at me

the way you hold my hand

and how annoying your habits to sing some part of lyric out of nowhere.

The way you move

touch me

embrace me

protecting

and how you made me feel.

Safe and sound. As if there's nothing bad is gonna happen when you're around

or if we stick together

through thick or thin.

The faith you always had when you talk about your future

and me in it, make it ours.

How frustrated you made me when you're not calling,

and makes me up all night (well almost midnight I guess)

then I fell asleep in either tears, anger or worries.

I need to remember all those things. Because if I'm not then there's nothing good left for me when a day goes by so sucky it get worse and make the worst day for me cause all I had is bad memories.

And again, it'll changes me.

And I'll be one thing I never wanna be.

Misanthropy. 

Pretty scary, right?

Oh how I wish I could be brave enough to believing, cause obviously I'm not any good at it.

But tonight, I miss you a lot dear. A lot. Huge.

I miss you with all my heart, my soul.

I miss you so much it hurts.

Mind and body. Heart and head.

Makes me feel like I need some great sleep. But you know I can't without your arms as my pillow.

So I'm just gonna take off now, go to bed.

Imagine your warmth, your skin and goodnight sleep I'm gonna get from you.

Pretend you're near and hope you'll be right next to me when I wake up.

Somehow, just get here.

Bitter Tea

It's gonna be alright in the end. 

Things will get better eventually. If it's not, it's the end.

I keep saying that ever since I don't remember when. I know thing gonna be great in the end. It should be. And meanwhile I should do something to distract myself. Anything to hold the tears and probably it could heal the pain.

2 years passed and I'm still wondering if I'm okay. I'm not sure what is wrong and what is right, or is there anything good left in me?

I love tea. I know I do. I pour warm water in my cup and let them swim, cleansing themselves and makes a good tea for me. But sometimes we put the tea bag too long than it should. I don't know, maybe we're too lazy to put it in the trash or maybe we want they stay a little bit. Longer as much as they could.

You put a green tea too long, they'll get biter. So does mint and any other kinds.

But somehow I feel Chamomile tea don't do the same. I feel it stay the same. The taste, the color, it looks all the same to me no matter how long they drown in my cup.

Is it just my imagination or what? I'd like to believe in in anyway. Hoping I could be one, cause you had no idea how life could change you in time and tears.

A New Hello

Today when I was on my way home, I feel so sleepy and somehow I have some thought I would like to write. But my old blog is a mess, I talk so much about my private life, and past is not my favorite thing. I don't think it's worth for me to still have it. So I decide to let it go and start it all over again with this blog.

Well actually this though started when I sing along a great meaningful song, High Hopes by Kodaline. Great song, great lyric, great video. I'm so glad I found them. Anyway, it just got me thinking how bitter my life is without writing activity at all. It's been a while since the last time I blog about something (and when I said blog it doesn't mean reblog something I love on Tumblr).

I promise I will keep in touch! xo