Sinking Wanderer

So today, I mean yesterday, I got call for job interview in one of biggest advertising agency (and I won't say it, fear it might be hurt if my phone doesn't ring). And one of the interviewer asked why I choose this blog URL. I never think of that. I used it simply cause I thought it's beautiful. Hauntingly beautiful. And today when she asked me, I gave her weird answer how there's an ocean and lands and how our choice to live, or how people are like ships.
Now I'm at home and am not nervous anymore, I'm pretty sure I was drugged and drunk. STUPID GIRL WHY WOULD YOU BE SO STUPID WHEN YOU'RE NERVOUS?! It's like junior high all over again. Great job to make yourself accepted.
Anyway. I always see myself as someone who can do nothing. I had dreams and never once I get exactly what I want. I somehow always lived in this weird complex area of life where most people usually went there once or thrice a lifetime, byt I lived there ever since I can remember.
The reason why I'm so scared to falling in love in love or why it's not easy for me to rely on anybody. Reason why I can't be too emphatic or why I easily cry. My phobia to screams and loud voices. And why I changed from wallflower to this tempramental selfish bitch in 2 years.
Because I'm trying to be nice and they take it for granted. Because I used to believe kindness, gave away everything and I got nothing. My heart takes me nowhere. And I've been through the most depressing moment of my life where you finally able to open and they judge you, when I finally found all I'm loooking for and they take it away from you. And when I tell the truth and nobody's believed that. I've been there. All at once.
I was sinking. Drowned into madness and it feels like I almost lose my insanity after my faith in if-you're-nice-to-people-they'll-treat-you-nice concept. That's totally bullshit.
I heard it from somewhere, how psychology, people tends to choose the worst part of scenario for them. Is it Freud, or is it Socrates? Can't seem to remember.
And I choose to sink. People refuse it but I need it. My bad day last for 6 months. If you had the worst, isn't that good? Nothing's gonna scares me anymore. And I believe my pain worthed. It's gonna make sense someday.
So talk about bad luck, while other people deny it or hides it, I'm gonna embrace it.
I'm proud of it  I drawn and I survived. I'm alive.
And I don't say this analogy make sense.