Bitter What-If's: Santa Monica Dream - Angus and Julia Stone

Goodbye to my Santa Monica dream

Fifteen kids in the backyard drinking wine

You tell me stories of the sea

And the ones you left behind

Goodbye to the roses on your street

Goodbye to the paintings on your wall

Goodbye to the children we'll never meet

And the ones we left behind

And the ones we left behind

I'm somewhere, you're somewhere

I'm nowhere, you're nowhere

You're somewhere, you're somewhere

I could go there but I don't

Rob's in the kitchen making pizza

Somewhere down in Battery Park

I'm singing songs about the future

Wondering where you are

I could call you on the telephone

But do I really want to know?

You're making love now to the lady down the road

No I don't, I don't want to know

I'm somewhere, you're somewhere

I'm nowhere, you're nowhere

You're somewhere, you're somewhere

I could go there but I don;t

Goodbye to my Santa Monica dream

Fifteen kids in the backyard drinking wine

You will tell me stories of the sea

And the ones you left behind

And the ones we left behind

Cheesy Stuff. Don't Read It Or You'll Get Sick.

We've been through a rough patch for some quite time. Maybe we still on it. Guess we working on it.
I've been so busy for this past 3 months with this internship job and school. I haven't see him in two months and I think I'm getting used to, as we've been in distance for a long time and it feels like forever.
He used to be the one who acting cool all the time and I'm the one who desperately moody. But this time he's nagging a little bit much. And it's funny.

Yesterday we're having this conversation, and I'm not sure what it is.
He said, "I wanna asked you a cheesy question. But it's not a bullshit, I'm serious."
"What?" I asked, prepare myself for another jokes he might thinking of. Like the one with a housewife jobdesc and another. Well I don't always remember exactly what we talk about things and stuff, but I do know it feels good to smile whenever he acts silly.
"Be the last one." I'm not sure if it's a question or a statement. Cause he said it once already, as an statement, that he want me to. "It's a question," said he when I asked. "Please answer me."
"Nope. I don't want to."
He laugh. "Alright, I'll just go then. I'm mad at you."
"But I could be the last two person you love. Give two little space for someone else."
"For whom?"
"Our little weirdo."
"I can live with that," and I can feel his smiling to me though I don't see it. "What score I get for this cheesy conversation? I bet it's a high point."
"Seven. Good enough."
"Oh how could you get me a seven?"
"Because you're doing it over the phone and it's not romantic. I'll give you a ten when we meet."
"Then I shall asked you that question again. Please stay, I need you."

Sometimes I wonder what he sees in me. A person like me.
Seeing him being a grown up guy like that makes me feels save. Like a home. I know him long enough to understand what kind of person he is. He's so annoying. Sensitive, but he stay quiet like a wallflowers. He could be so mad that he broke something or sounds like a man in bullfighting, he could be so much pain in the ass when he didn't reply the text all day just because he was too lazy to type. And I sometimes hate the way he forgot things, like my birthday, when he actually have bought me a gift as we celebrate it one day early (and I was like, "Man, you forgot my birthday less than 12 hours after we celebrate it one day before?"). But he remember things. Mostly little things. Like my mother's favorite flower when I tell him in slight little conversation, like how I was so tired and said that's better if he's the one who work and I'll be stay-home-wife.

I never thought I could make someone that happy. Said my smile was the one thing that could lighten him up, when actually I don't even like myself, not especially my smile with these frizzle tooth I have.
Makes me thing what I've bee doing all this time, with all mixed feeling with the past who have found its future.

This road is hard. Doesn't mean it's impossible. If he believe what we've done will not be a waste, then I should too. I believe, in his faith of us.

P.s.
Playlist while writing this crap (it matters, though. Gotta make it my post signature!)
some Korean song by Standing EGG
Dead Sea - The Lumineers
Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran
Crave You - Flight Facilities ft. Giselle
Down Under (Acoustic Version) - NONONO
Pumpin Blood (Acoustic Version) - NONONO
Feels Like We Only Go Backwards - Tame Impala

Bitter Heart : No F, No R, No E

I'm not sure how much a heart can hold.
Has forever changed, lost the F, the R and first E, and it becomes over?

I'm not sure I understand you well. All these crap; distances, secrets, being strong and being patient, it's sucks. I'm freaking tired to deal with it everyday but still I did it any anyway because you are the biggest part of me I won't let go. Or at least that was what I thought. Maybe, like you said, the little voice in our heart had spoken. But sometimes, and I guess it feels like a habit, I lose my faith and need a good rest or maybe stop a little while.

But when you say it, it sounds different to me. I frankly don't know what to say. Or do. And imagine a life without you is something I never planned. Holding another man's hand or grow old with someone else is definitely not an ideal life I would have. No matter how mad you made me or how weird your annoying habits. Singing a lame song out of tune, who does that? You.

Are you really gonna go or what? The wise thing to do is let me know whether you're a war I need to win or a lesson to another story.

4 Letter Word

People say 'love' is 4 letter word. So does 'shit', and 'fuck'.
And that's a perfect line how to describe my life lately.

I say SHIT.
When it's 8 in the morning or 9 PM and I don't get a seat in the bus or too lazy to move my ass off to work or home. Or, when my favorite dress or shirt was sold out.

I say FUCK.
When I make mistake in work, or I got a C for test. I say it when people acts like jerks, I say it like every time and I loved saying that.

I say LOVE.
When my dogs are so thrilled to see me every time I went home. Every morning when I called Red, waking him up and every night when I'm comfy in my bed, ready to sleep and need heard his voice before I off to dream. Or when I'm in the office and suddenly missing him. And he will always knew how I feel even if we were holding hands in silence.

Anyway, I'm addicted to these songs. Love it!

My Not-So-Calm Sunday

Soooo...... I told you before about my interviews in Ogilvy. And I really thought I messed it up. Turns out I'm not. Not entirely, maybe. Last Friday I got a call from the human resources and they want me to start in Monday. Tomorrow.
That's cool. But like I always did, I panicked about little things like, "What should I wear? I had no clothes!" when actually I just bought some couple weeks ago.
Or "How should I speak?" as if I'm an alien and I have never speak to anyone, ever, before.
And "Should I bring my own lunch? Whom I will eat my lunch with?" because bring my own meal looks so childish but I'm not so affordable enough to buy one every single day (the office is right beside Senayan City and Plaza Senayan. I'l be damn poor if I did.). And eat lunch all alone makes me feel bad sometimes. Well, most of the times.
I'm torn between excitement and fears like first day of school. Thank God it mostly excitement. I will work hard and learn harder!

Meanwhile, these are my Sunday-lazy-looks. Haven't wash my hair, panda-eyes and lack of sleep's evidence can't be hidden cause I lost my glasses of 5 years, chubby-fatty cheeks, what a shame.

Twenty-something Problem: Job are Tough

I feel my life goes nowhere. And I'm afraid of how much I'm pretty sure it's true.

It all begin couple months ago. My digital advertising's teacher promise (or that's what I thought, forgot how people forget or lie) that she'll take 5 students who passed the class to be an intern in her company.  I was so excited cause I've been looking for jobs ever since I was in my first semester in Jakarta. So I worked hard. Maybe not that hard, but I know a put a lot of efforts in that class, try to learn and analyze the task, try to understand the subject. God knows I try. I work harder than anyone in the class to have a good result, to learn and of course, to be ready once she call me back for the intern-promise. I have my CV sent to her right in time she asked me to.

So I wait. Patiently. I wait till the last day of final exam, I wait a little more after that. Still I wait cause I thought she probably wants to hire people after Ramadhan, and I wait a little longer thinks she maybe call when the result of test is done. Or officially sent from campus. Until this very day, there's no word from her.

And I gave up, thought I may failed the class. But I'm not. I got a A. A fucking damn A. And that's when I knew I should just give up.

And then good news come.

A friend of mine said that her boss could use some account executive intern for a local advertising agency. I thought that was great, I'll join. And in the very same moment, the other friend of mind said that Ogilvy needs a social media intern. That would be so cool and great and cool and awesome. So I sent my CV, expect nothing cause I'm just me. A fat stupid girl.

But they call me for an interview. I'm so excited I panicked. I thought I would cry over this and I'll be another student who come for a job and failed. But they mail me back, asked me to come again. I'm so glad cause they said that I might be suitable for the job. So I came. And it ain't job acceptance. It's another interview with different people.

Again, I'm in my mourning period. I cry for my lack of academy experience. Good scores doesn't mean anything at all. It really doesn't matter. The truth is I need this job so bad. I want this. I need to learn more, and school is never enough. It's like I'm thirst for knowledge in my own way.

On those two interview, I really didn't think twice when I answered their question. It feels more like chatting and share my thoughts rather than an interview. And that scares me even more.

I don't know what's gonna happen next. I try to not put any expectation on it, cause when life leads you in way you never thought you want, it'll hurt. No matter it's the right path for you or not it would be still hurt anyway. And pain is the worst. Most of the is overrated.

Anyway.

Whatever their answer is, whether I'm accepted or not, I just hope I'll be strong enough to face it. Being twenty-something is not easy.

Sinking Wanderer

So today, I mean yesterday, I got call for job interview in one of biggest advertising agency (and I won't say it, fear it might be hurt if my phone doesn't ring). And one of the interviewer asked why I choose this blog URL. I never think of that. I used it simply cause I thought it's beautiful. Hauntingly beautiful. And today when she asked me, I gave her weird answer how there's an ocean and lands and how our choice to live, or how people are like ships.
Now I'm at home and am not nervous anymore, I'm pretty sure I was drugged and drunk. STUPID GIRL WHY WOULD YOU BE SO STUPID WHEN YOU'RE NERVOUS?! It's like junior high all over again. Great job to make yourself accepted.
Anyway. I always see myself as someone who can do nothing. I had dreams and never once I get exactly what I want. I somehow always lived in this weird complex area of life where most people usually went there once or thrice a lifetime, byt I lived there ever since I can remember.
The reason why I'm so scared to falling in love in love or why it's not easy for me to rely on anybody. Reason why I can't be too emphatic or why I easily cry. My phobia to screams and loud voices. And why I changed from wallflower to this tempramental selfish bitch in 2 years.
Because I'm trying to be nice and they take it for granted. Because I used to believe kindness, gave away everything and I got nothing. My heart takes me nowhere. And I've been through the most depressing moment of my life where you finally able to open and they judge you, when I finally found all I'm loooking for and they take it away from you. And when I tell the truth and nobody's believed that. I've been there. All at once.
I was sinking. Drowned into madness and it feels like I almost lose my insanity after my faith in if-you're-nice-to-people-they'll-treat-you-nice concept. That's totally bullshit.
I heard it from somewhere, how psychology, people tends to choose the worst part of scenario for them. Is it Freud, or is it Socrates? Can't seem to remember.
And I choose to sink. People refuse it but I need it. My bad day last for 6 months. If you had the worst, isn't that good? Nothing's gonna scares me anymore. And I believe my pain worthed. It's gonna make sense someday.
So talk about bad luck, while other people deny it or hides it, I'm gonna embrace it.
I'm proud of it  I drawn and I survived. I'm alive.
And I don't say this analogy make sense.