Begin Again

I'm gonna start again. I'm gonna write more thoughts and stuff.

Lately it haunts me how I call myself a writer but never really write for myself. Not even my thesis damn the due date is in 5 freaking months and I have done nothing about it okay bye.

Anyway. I once went through a crazy times when my mom passed and I was heartbroken, got no friends, shitty stuff at school, and how hard it was to be a 13 years old teenager. My diary saves me back then. And I find myself drowning again, even though I got Red but our schedule are so different so I thought I give a chance to write some kind of diary, again.

My 23 years old wishes are pretty simple:

1. Better timeline
2. Write anything (and not my job)
3. Draw, doodling, painting something
4. Sleep more
5. Savings
6. Go outside and play
7. New lipstick

So I give myself a second chance... to be myself once again.

Tee-hee!

23

It's been a year since I wrote that last post. Time flies, I'm 23 years old now.
Things are changed now. I feel bitter sometimes, but I laughed anyway most of the time.

For quick update, I'm still with Red now. Last year was a mess for both of  us. We said things we didn't mean. I gave away my feelings to someone who don't deserve it, who clearly say I'm the number two. For a moment I was ready to face it, but later I realize how people take me for granted and I don't even know it. I took months to get better, but it gave me perspective of what an adult should do. What I'm gonna do when I older, and what I wish I will never do. Yellow's getting married and for a time a feel less of a woman. I feel hideous and blue, probably because he's my first love. Last year, I was ready to left him and start a new page. But he hold on, and I was ignoring it. But we're starting over, we talk, and now it feels like we're in a good phase. Better than ever!

I went to Seoul, South Korea for office's outing and it was a great experience. It makes me realize I didn't want this job forever. now I'm thinking to resign, but you know it's not that easy to pursue something for passion. It will costs you something, and I knew it's something I can't afford.

I'm into make ups now. I love lipstick. But I gain weight much more than I should, I'm back being a fatty now and that's sad. I should change that soon.

Anyway, talk to you soon.

Oh yes, I'm with the bangs now.

Mine

It's been a long time since I wrote a post. It's been a busy year anyway, full of hard work and achievement for both of us, me and Red.

I've got a permanent job even though I'm still on my 6th semester, try to work it out and give my best. Red had finished his thesis, and seek for a good job while he's waiting for graduation day next June. And things are fine, though it could be hard in some days but we're working on it and seems like we have fills one to another life everyday. But still, distance sucks. Even the tiniest.

Red's got into a motorcycle accident last Tuesday, and it broke my heart. It's the most serious accident he ever been. He cracked his right hand, injured his left hand and one twisted ankle. I didn't really worry at first because he told me it's okay, it's just a scratch. But he can lie forever so he told me the full story.

The first thing came on my mind is some kind of a prayer. Thank God, You took care of him.

I'm not really a religious person. I'm not sure whether my faith is faded away or I'm fall apart with God, even though deep down inside I know He's the only one who could save me. I have this distance with prayers and what happened to Red makes me feel like I really wanna go back to Him this time. I need Him in my life, of course, and I want to have a good relationship with Him as well.

Anyway. Yesterday I pay a visit to his house. There's a little stupid mistake of me to his father, which I'm sure it will make him hates me more (oh well I don't mind). But it makes me better to see him, and not because he's so much in pain. I helped his mother (or should I say, mother-in-law? lol :) changing his bandages and putting a traditional medicine to reduce his swelling hand. I have a good chit chat with his youngest sissy while he's falling asleep and I think we make a great bond.

It makes me realize so many things. Like, how much I love him and how much I really want to be with him. And how I started to accept things like, this is hard but it's real and it's worth to fight. Like literally, it's worth.

Boundaries

Dear Red,
I love you like a heartbeat. Almost more than life itself. But this 4 days as we stop talking actually makes me feel good about myself. No worries, no any stress. I'm being me and there's no act or thoughts to hide and I feel free to keep it by myself. It feels kinda good it makes me guilty.
After my cousin's wedding I realize couple things. The facts that I personally can't see myself as a parent unlike you, and how I believe in everything less and less as day goes by. I don't think I want a marriage or kids. Even the thought of settle down scared me right now. I don't wanna trapped in another mess or any situation I can't bail off.
I met my ex-psychiatrist yesterday and it's break me. It remind me how much I lose just to keep you mine. After the last curse you said over the phone makes me realize, "That's it. That's enough and I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm quit." I know it's not that easy, you're a big part of my life. I had it enough and I don't know how many times I have to say that I'm really tired. But part of me won't let it go. I honestly believe you are the love of my life and I love you through the distance, more than I ever love anyone. Even Yellow. And now after all we've said and done I'm just so tired and confused and I wonder if I should stop for a while and take a good rest from us.
I give and give, but it feels like I haven't got anything in return. Sometimes I feel I can't rely on you, your small mind to judge people from eyes and all those hurtfull comments you say. And things just keep remind me of our past, of how happy we used to be and now we're not. I'm not. I'm far from being happy. I'm miserable.
You know what? If only I could turn  back time I wish you never sent that message wrong to me. I wish I never knew she was exist or you was still fall for her even when you're with me. To think about our messy past, the only reason why I still think about Yellos isn't because I love him that much. I'm over him when I met you, and on August 28th 2010 he's not on my mind any longer. ays and nights fills with joyness you bring into my life. He want to meet up but no, I really want to get over with it and start a new life with you. I swear I don't think of him, not even a second.
Until I saw that message. That's why, cause I feel save, I feel lika I had a back up plan in case you're leaving me again someday, somehow.
But look at us right now, we're good right? You know me well these days and to see what you've done with all my social media tools, I feel like I need some space apart from you. I want a boundaries between us. I want you to leave me alone. Cause the only who can't move from our past is our partner. Yellow to you, that girl to me, it's all the same.

.

I don't hate you.
How can I hate something, someone that I have loved so much for years? I even gave up everything I have just for it. Put my life on the line just for you, sacrifice my whole past and future and maybe the world, ignore any better man just to be with you. It's not the intelligence that counts, it's the kindness you have that I fell in love with.
But once I see how wrong you could be for a moment may have change so much perception of you. Makes me step back and think, are you really that man I choose? Cause it seems to me lately you just someone I that I used to know. You act childishly, and that's the worst thing anyone can do after so much statement about how a grown-up you are.
You hate me that much that you won't even see my face even just for a bit. And I don't get it why you are the one who avoiding me? Shouldn't I be the one who do that to you after what you've just said? If you try to make me feel guilty and say how stupid you are and how you're not good for me, I think you got it right.
Because the last thing I need to hear is something that could makes me feel bad about myself, which I already did.

Rejection

I actually miss him already. And I need him right now but he rejected my call. Why would he do that? Is that the only thing he's good at? Rejecting people?

I'm Out

I don't feel good about anything lately. About me, how logically I'm trying to persuade myself things are gonna be fine and how I try to remember again and again the reasons why I love him. I loved him, once. And now I'm not even sure what I'm feeling inside. I've been try to follow my heart for this past 4 years, try to convince myself he's worth the pain. The more I tried the bigger doubts I found. I have followed my heart like it's the only right thing to do and it leads me nowhere. It causes so many mess and tears and burden and sighs, not to mention how much hard it is. And I live with it for 4 years. So this time I gotta follow my brain.

I was never ready for him to leave. But I need him to. I really thought i was going to make a big mistake for letting him go, even just for a second. I thought it's gonna be a week of hardcore crying before I finally admit I have no shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to, because he's both my best friend and lover. And future, I hope, but do we really have it?

But last night he make a sick jokes about something that nobody should laugh about it. Of course I'm mad with hatred and anger but he don't care about any of it. And it hits me. I realize he's not changing. he's still the same, he's still the stupid boy who text his girlfriend a nickname of his other girlfriend. He's stiil the one who can say anything he wants and doesn't give a fuck about how much inappropriate that sounds and that's freaking hurts. He's still that kind of boy. And all shits he said about how I've changed him into something better and mature is a huge lie. I can tell him everything about me and still he know nothing about me.

I'd rather stand for something silly than lose for nothing. But it's not silly, it's a principle. It's my principle and I can't make any exception for anybody. He's still that 19 years old boy who ruined my life, not a mature gentleman who understand and take care of me. He's still the same. And all I could wish for is to forget I have loved him once, I have leave everything an put it on the line for him. For someone like him. A bully.

If he loves me, or even care about me, he wouldn't said something like that in the first place. Or deny and argue about it.
At the end of the day, I wish I were in coma after a big accident. Just because I really don't know how to get over with it. I want to fell asleep and never wake up with broken pieces of how much I love him and how I think he's not worth the pain anymore. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life with someone who judge people from their look, kick animal for fun or make a sick jokes like that as I've been there before. I used to be that clown that everybody judges because I'm a fat weirdo whose mother was on the wheelchair waiting for deaths. I can't live with that kind of thoughts.

And so this is how I made my decision. I'm sick of everything and I'm not afraid to let anything go. Just leave me alone, I'm still broken anyway.