.

I don't hate you.
How can I hate something, someone that I have loved so much for years? I even gave up everything I have just for it. Put my life on the line just for you, sacrifice my whole past and future and maybe the world, ignore any better man just to be with you. It's not the intelligence that counts, it's the kindness you have that I fell in love with.
But once I see how wrong you could be for a moment may have change so much perception of you. Makes me step back and think, are you really that man I choose? Cause it seems to me lately you just someone I that I used to know. You act childishly, and that's the worst thing anyone can do after so much statement about how a grown-up you are.
You hate me that much that you won't even see my face even just for a bit. And I don't get it why you are the one who avoiding me? Shouldn't I be the one who do that to you after what you've just said? If you try to make me feel guilty and say how stupid you are and how you're not good for me, I think you got it right.
Because the last thing I need to hear is something that could makes me feel bad about myself, which I already did.

Rejection

I actually miss him already. And I need him right now but he rejected my call. Why would he do that? Is that the only thing he's good at? Rejecting people?

I'm Out

I don't feel good about anything lately. About me, how logically I'm trying to persuade myself things are gonna be fine and how I try to remember again and again the reasons why I love him. I loved him, once. And now I'm not even sure what I'm feeling inside. I've been try to follow my heart for this past 4 years, try to convince myself he's worth the pain. The more I tried the bigger doubts I found. I have followed my heart like it's the only right thing to do and it leads me nowhere. It causes so many mess and tears and burden and sighs, not to mention how much hard it is. And I live with it for 4 years. So this time I gotta follow my brain.

I was never ready for him to leave. But I need him to. I really thought i was going to make a big mistake for letting him go, even just for a second. I thought it's gonna be a week of hardcore crying before I finally admit I have no shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to, because he's both my best friend and lover. And future, I hope, but do we really have it?

But last night he make a sick jokes about something that nobody should laugh about it. Of course I'm mad with hatred and anger but he don't care about any of it. And it hits me. I realize he's not changing. he's still the same, he's still the stupid boy who text his girlfriend a nickname of his other girlfriend. He's stiil the one who can say anything he wants and doesn't give a fuck about how much inappropriate that sounds and that's freaking hurts. He's still that kind of boy. And all shits he said about how I've changed him into something better and mature is a huge lie. I can tell him everything about me and still he know nothing about me.

I'd rather stand for something silly than lose for nothing. But it's not silly, it's a principle. It's my principle and I can't make any exception for anybody. He's still that 19 years old boy who ruined my life, not a mature gentleman who understand and take care of me. He's still the same. And all I could wish for is to forget I have loved him once, I have leave everything an put it on the line for him. For someone like him. A bully.

If he loves me, or even care about me, he wouldn't said something like that in the first place. Or deny and argue about it.
At the end of the day, I wish I were in coma after a big accident. Just because I really don't know how to get over with it. I want to fell asleep and never wake up with broken pieces of how much I love him and how I think he's not worth the pain anymore. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life with someone who judge people from their look, kick animal for fun or make a sick jokes like that as I've been there before. I used to be that clown that everybody judges because I'm a fat weirdo whose mother was on the wheelchair waiting for deaths. I can't live with that kind of thoughts.

And so this is how I made my decision. I'm sick of everything and I'm not afraid to let anything go. Just leave me alone, I'm still broken anyway.

Twenty-something: Attitude Problem

I'm 21 and I'll be 22 this June. And one thing I hate about being here, to live with my family, is the attitude problem. Of mine, they said, but is it? I'm 21 for God sake. I don't do drugs or skip classes (much). I don't smoke much (won't promise I'm not doing that again) or have a drinking problem. I throw myself at guys for sex, but of course with my history record, they must think I'm not a virgin anymore as they more believe of what people say than what I sa for myself, with my own definition of the life itself. I love my family, but for judging people, especially me, they are the worst and the last people on earth I would talk about me and myself. They told me I'm not open enough but one time, just one time I did and here I am, having two college in my resume.

My family makes me feel bad about myself. I lost my faith on religion, but not God. Oh well they are the best for judging how sinful I am not to wanting go to Church. She said it's up to me but look what she did if I don't go to one ceremony: a silent treatment. Hillarious. I think it's alright if once or twice for a while I went home late. It's not like I'm doing something wrong, is it a sin to enjoy being young and alive? If my dad said all the anger cause by worries, I simply don't buy it. He had so much chances to prove he's good to me and my baby bro, and yet he doesn't show anything.

I'm not an atheist. My folk raised me in Catholic and from kindegarten to senior high, I went to strict Catholic school. I feel like being pushed to know and believe something I'm not even sure of ever since. Somehow I think I'm an atheist, but how come if I still believe in God? Because I do, I really do. But I'm such a mess right now and it's been a while since I talk to Him, think I'm not good enough to talk because there's a lot of things, bad things, happen and why would He do that if He cares? I'm not in my place to appriciate things.

I am a bad person. A grumpy who hold revenge to her bone and hold it tight. In my mind I've killed a country or two and the number will grow each time I met anybody. I hate everything, everyone, I just want to be alone with a friend and it doesn't matter if people hates me anyway. Being social is overrated. I need a break from life. I wish there's a pause button, or a fast-forward/backward button would be nice.

I just don't like being nice, should I do to everyone I know? I hate that kind of crap. I hate pretend to be nice, why everybody enjoy that so much when all they wnana do is choke them? I'm totally avoiding talking to people I hate, for they presence near me irritating enough. WHY SHOULD I PRETEND AND BE SOME KIND OF FAKE BITCH? Being a bitch is bad enough, being fake makes people wish you're not born.

Is it just me find it's hard to face anything in my early twenty or does other find it difficult as well?