Pertanyaan Nggak Penting

So I found this questions list on Tumblr and since I had nothing to do yet, I guess I'll give it a try.

1. selfie

• 2. what would you name your future kids? Adriana Rangga Katari Silalahi for girl and Matthew Ezra Silalahi for boy. Not that I'm ready to have one one. I don't even like kids.
• 3. do you miss anyone? My mom.
• 4. what are you looking forward to? Job in multinational advertising agency. Great career is all I want.
• 5. is there anyone who can always make you smile? Bosco, I guess.
• 6. is it hard for you to get over someone? Totally. Years and still counting.
• 7. what was your life like last year? I was so desperate at first but last year I was an intern in Social@Ogilvy and I learn so much so I guess that's nice.
• 8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? Yup.
• 9. who did you last see in person? their good sides.
• 10. are you good at hiding your feelings? not really. maybe sometimes I do, but most of the time I don't.
• 11. are you listening to music right now? My baby brother's, Stereo Heart. Kinda hate it.
• 12. what is something you want right now? fixing the air conditioner in my bedroom. It's killing me I had to sleep in my brother's.
• 13. how do you feel right now? Alright, I guess. Just a bit lazy.
• 14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? Last Friday, on my last day in the office. It was Ferdi and Ridz and Patrick, I guess.
• 15. personality description. Ugh. I'm not a patient man. Got a bit of bad temperament. I could kill someone in my mind when I hate them, like, thrice a day.
• 16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn't? Yes. I don't have guts to do so.
• 17. opinion on insecurities. I don't know. I'm a very insecure person.
• 18. do you miss how things were a year ago? Not really. I guess things get better now.
• 19. have you ever been to New York? Nope. I wish I could work in Ogilvy NY though.
• 20. what is your favourite song at the moment?  High Hopes-Kodaline, Fuerteventura-Russian Red and classic Breathless-Shayne Ward.
• 21. age and birthday? June 11th 1992, I'll be 22 this year.
• 22. description of crush. It's like there's something inside your body, your souls, that has died for ages and when you see him, it's like you're alive once more.
• 23. fear(s). Economic crisis. Losing from a battle I'm in. Red doesn't love me anymore and not able to move on from Yellow.
• 24. height. 158cm.
• 25. role model. I'm not sure. Robin Scherbatsky and Lily Aldrin, I guess.
• 26. idol(s). Benedict Cumberbatch. Geez I want him to do me.
• 27. things i hate. Pathetic people. Racist people. Loud-annoying stupid people. I hate people, for sure.
• 28. i'll love you if... you protect me, respect me, fight for me, try to be better for yourself as you try for my sake.
• 29. favourite film(s). Molly Ringwald's.
• 30. favourite tv show(s). Sherlock, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family.
• 31. 3 random facts. Sometimes I think I love my dog more than my boyfriend and my brother, I do enjoy drinks (Vodka only, I hate beer) and cigarettes occasionally, I'm not sure I'm a good person.
• 32. are your friends mainly girls or guys? both. But most of my girlfriends are not so lady-like and I'm the most feminine in the group and I can't stand girly-kind of girl.
• 33. something you want to learn. Krav maga. the art of being a great assassin. Italian ad Spanish.
• 34. most embarrassing moment. I don't even wanna try to remember it.
• 35. favourite subject. Books. Craft. DIY. World histories and dogs.
• 36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? Being happy in the end, release all anger and madness, try to be a better person.
• 37. favourite actor/actress. molly ringwald.
• 38. favourite comedian(s). I'm not sure. I do like ben stiller & owen wilson though.
• 39. favourite sport(s). I don't have one. Swimming, I guess.
• 40. favourite memory. when the first time I met Red.
• 41. relationship status. Taken and serious.
• 42. favourite book(s). HOW ON EARTH I COULD NAME IT ALL?
• 43. favourite song ever. Everybody's Changing-Keane.
• 44. age you get mistaken for. I don't know.
• 45. how you found out about your idol. Internet.
• 46. what my last text message says. From Red, getting a massage but he don't like it.
• 47. turn ons. Brilliant mind, intimacy and kindness.
• 48. turn offs. Greedy, and I judge people from how they eat.
• 49. where i want to be right now. Bath tub.
• 50. favourite picture of your idol
• 
• 51. star sign. Gemini.
• 52. something i'm talented at. Lying.
• 53. 5 things that make me happy. TV shows episodes, notifications from any social media assets, cuddling with Red, my dog Cipluk, shopping.
• 54. something thats worrying me at the moment. My weight.
• 55. tumblr friends. Skip.
• 56. favourite food(s). Italian food, anything with cheese and Lunar New Year's special salty veggie with pork chop.
• 57. favourite animal(s). Dogs. Birds. Panda, penguins, sheep, elephant, giraffe, deer, horse. anything but sharks and insects and reptiles.
• 58. description of my best friend. He's such a silly man I would like to marry.
• 59. why i joined tumblr. i was bored.
• 60. ask me anything you want. nah.

Twenty-something: Paths

It's been ages since my last post!

So many things happen from the last time I wrote and the times between until this very minute.

I have finished my internship time in Social@Ogilvy. Six months! I got so much gifts and embrace in my last day, it almost feels like home being there. School starts next Thursday and I'm planning to send my CV to another advertising agency nearby to be an intern and get my credits this time. I got freelance job and it's a good start, I think, before I'm doing another internship program for credit.

So much things I wanna do but so little time and energy I have in one day. I wanna read more books, learn more and write fiction again. So much things I wanna do just to make me feel good, again, about myself. Which sometimes I feel like I'm doing something weird. There's always some questions like, "Am I good at this?", "On scale 1 to 10, how suck, pathetic idiot I am?" or "Am I happy with all of these achievements?".

And one questions I can't figure out: is this the real, true and right path? How significant this choice could affect my life?

Am I think too much or is it something that all people in twenties would feel about their selves?

What if it leads me nowhere? Or some place I never imagine, somewhere awesome but it takes a great deal of pain in process?

 Of course, I didn't really have a choice right now. I just hope it's not gonna hurt me.... again. I'm not that strong to take that twice in the very same decade.

Bitter What-If's: Santa Monica Dream - Angus and Julia Stone

Goodbye to my Santa Monica dream

Fifteen kids in the backyard drinking wine

You tell me stories of the sea

And the ones you left behind

Goodbye to the roses on your street

Goodbye to the paintings on your wall

Goodbye to the children we'll never meet

And the ones we left behind

And the ones we left behind

I'm somewhere, you're somewhere

I'm nowhere, you're nowhere

You're somewhere, you're somewhere

I could go there but I don't

Rob's in the kitchen making pizza

Somewhere down in Battery Park

I'm singing songs about the future

Wondering where you are

I could call you on the telephone

But do I really want to know?

You're making love now to the lady down the road

No I don't, I don't want to know

I'm somewhere, you're somewhere

I'm nowhere, you're nowhere

You're somewhere, you're somewhere

I could go there but I don;t

Goodbye to my Santa Monica dream

Fifteen kids in the backyard drinking wine

You will tell me stories of the sea

And the ones you left behind

And the ones we left behind

Cheesy Stuff. Don't Read It Or You'll Get Sick.

We've been through a rough patch for some quite time. Maybe we still on it. Guess we working on it.
I've been so busy for this past 3 months with this internship job and school. I haven't see him in two months and I think I'm getting used to, as we've been in distance for a long time and it feels like forever.
He used to be the one who acting cool all the time and I'm the one who desperately moody. But this time he's nagging a little bit much. And it's funny.

Yesterday we're having this conversation, and I'm not sure what it is.
He said, "I wanna asked you a cheesy question. But it's not a bullshit, I'm serious."
"What?" I asked, prepare myself for another jokes he might thinking of. Like the one with a housewife jobdesc and another. Well I don't always remember exactly what we talk about things and stuff, but I do know it feels good to smile whenever he acts silly.
"Be the last one." I'm not sure if it's a question or a statement. Cause he said it once already, as an statement, that he want me to. "It's a question," said he when I asked. "Please answer me."
"Nope. I don't want to."
He laugh. "Alright, I'll just go then. I'm mad at you."
"But I could be the last two person you love. Give two little space for someone else."
"For whom?"
"Our little weirdo."
"I can live with that," and I can feel his smiling to me though I don't see it. "What score I get for this cheesy conversation? I bet it's a high point."
"Seven. Good enough."
"Oh how could you get me a seven?"
"Because you're doing it over the phone and it's not romantic. I'll give you a ten when we meet."
"Then I shall asked you that question again. Please stay, I need you."

Sometimes I wonder what he sees in me. A person like me.
Seeing him being a grown up guy like that makes me feels save. Like a home. I know him long enough to understand what kind of person he is. He's so annoying. Sensitive, but he stay quiet like a wallflowers. He could be so mad that he broke something or sounds like a man in bullfighting, he could be so much pain in the ass when he didn't reply the text all day just because he was too lazy to type. And I sometimes hate the way he forgot things, like my birthday, when he actually have bought me a gift as we celebrate it one day early (and I was like, "Man, you forgot my birthday less than 12 hours after we celebrate it one day before?"). But he remember things. Mostly little things. Like my mother's favorite flower when I tell him in slight little conversation, like how I was so tired and said that's better if he's the one who work and I'll be stay-home-wife.

I never thought I could make someone that happy. Said my smile was the one thing that could lighten him up, when actually I don't even like myself, not especially my smile with these frizzle tooth I have.
Makes me thing what I've bee doing all this time, with all mixed feeling with the past who have found its future.

This road is hard. Doesn't mean it's impossible. If he believe what we've done will not be a waste, then I should too. I believe, in his faith of us.

P.s.
Playlist while writing this crap (it matters, though. Gotta make it my post signature!)
some Korean song by Standing EGG
Dead Sea - The Lumineers
Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran
Crave You - Flight Facilities ft. Giselle
Down Under (Acoustic Version) - NONONO
Pumpin Blood (Acoustic Version) - NONONO
Feels Like We Only Go Backwards - Tame Impala

Bitter Heart : No F, No R, No E

I'm not sure how much a heart can hold.
Has forever changed, lost the F, the R and first E, and it becomes over?

I'm not sure I understand you well. All these crap; distances, secrets, being strong and being patient, it's sucks. I'm freaking tired to deal with it everyday but still I did it any anyway because you are the biggest part of me I won't let go. Or at least that was what I thought. Maybe, like you said, the little voice in our heart had spoken. But sometimes, and I guess it feels like a habit, I lose my faith and need a good rest or maybe stop a little while.

But when you say it, it sounds different to me. I frankly don't know what to say. Or do. And imagine a life without you is something I never planned. Holding another man's hand or grow old with someone else is definitely not an ideal life I would have. No matter how mad you made me or how weird your annoying habits. Singing a lame song out of tune, who does that? You.

Are you really gonna go or what? The wise thing to do is let me know whether you're a war I need to win or a lesson to another story.

4 Letter Word

People say 'love' is 4 letter word. So does 'shit', and 'fuck'.
And that's a perfect line how to describe my life lately.

I say SHIT.
When it's 8 in the morning or 9 PM and I don't get a seat in the bus or too lazy to move my ass off to work or home. Or, when my favorite dress or shirt was sold out.

I say FUCK.
When I make mistake in work, or I got a C for test. I say it when people acts like jerks, I say it like every time and I loved saying that.

I say LOVE.
When my dogs are so thrilled to see me every time I went home. Every morning when I called Red, waking him up and every night when I'm comfy in my bed, ready to sleep and need heard his voice before I off to dream. Or when I'm in the office and suddenly missing him. And he will always knew how I feel even if we were holding hands in silence.

Anyway, I'm addicted to these songs. Love it!

My Not-So-Calm Sunday

Soooo...... I told you before about my interviews in Ogilvy. And I really thought I messed it up. Turns out I'm not. Not entirely, maybe. Last Friday I got a call from the human resources and they want me to start in Monday. Tomorrow.
That's cool. But like I always did, I panicked about little things like, "What should I wear? I had no clothes!" when actually I just bought some couple weeks ago.
Or "How should I speak?" as if I'm an alien and I have never speak to anyone, ever, before.
And "Should I bring my own lunch? Whom I will eat my lunch with?" because bring my own meal looks so childish but I'm not so affordable enough to buy one every single day (the office is right beside Senayan City and Plaza Senayan. I'l be damn poor if I did.). And eat lunch all alone makes me feel bad sometimes. Well, most of the times.
I'm torn between excitement and fears like first day of school. Thank God it mostly excitement. I will work hard and learn harder!

Meanwhile, these are my Sunday-lazy-looks. Haven't wash my hair, panda-eyes and lack of sleep's evidence can't be hidden cause I lost my glasses of 5 years, chubby-fatty cheeks, what a shame.