Twenty-something Thoughts: Relationship

Lately I find myself quite often thinking about relationship. The idea of serious dating-for-marriage actually freaks me out. Having someone to love, and one who loves you back is the dream. But when it comes to family, culture, and marriage is a whole different story.

Red and me comes from a different background. So it's normal that we have a different opinion almost at everything. And that's why we fight.

I'm not sure if I'm a real feminist, but I think I am. I believe in woman empowerment, but mostly because I'm Asian that lives to see how culture doesn't treat woman like the world should. For example, I'm not a baby-person. I'm more animal person, so please expect a lot of animals pictures, videos and Nat Geo's feed when you open my Instagram timeline. I love animal, care for them, dying to be parts of animal rescue team someday (and shot me cause I work in crazy office hours for 2 years because I am a junior of worthless). I even stop eating lamb and duck, which kinda tricky as my dad loves that. But I'm proud of myself for doing that.

Anyway, I'm not into babies. Won't touch it, won't have it......I guess. I'm 23 and so much going on, maybe it'll changes or maybe not. But it's my body and I can decide for myself.
But Red's dream is to have one or two. His dream is not me as his, but also me as his family. Mother of his child. And I'm not sure I want the same thing. I probably will change, or not, but I would like to stay in relationship when it's okay if I don't want to. I want to feel that it's okay if I'm being myself. Cause the truth is having babies is not a dream for me.

My life goal is to marry someone I love, or just casually lives together, it doesn't matter as long as we love each other. But it's not that easy to have that kind of thoughts when you live in Indonesia. Even Jakarta. So yeah, marriage sounds good either.

Having kids.... Nope. Do you have any idea how much education cost? And milk and baby sitter and literally everything? I'm not that kind of girl who's dreaming about being someone's wife as a goal. Housewife, being a mothet isn't a career, it's a life choice. It's a hard job, but not the one I have in mind. My life goal is not take care of a baby in weekdays.

And how you explain yourself to your partner, that turns out you two had a very different dream about your future together.

September 11, 2015

Some things need to be ended.

Years of friendship doesn't mean things will always be fine. People still surprised me no matter how long I have know them. Just because you always tried to help, doesn't mean they will do the same for you. Especially when you need it the most.

And the funny thing is... by the time you open yourself, they call me drama queen. Oh well just  because I don't stress people out with my problem and I chose to laugh about it instead whining all day long, doesn't mean I don't have serious matter on my own.

I always thought society is what could kill a good personality. And I always thought "the society" are just some people with with no brains and live somewhere in a sad, pathetic land. But I was wrong. They lived near us. Those people, turns out to be friends in disguise. I was so blind for not seeing it. I was so stupid to think every people are nice, for it's not the first, second or even third time it happen with me.

And is it wrong, after all these shitty things happen, that it makes me trust nobody but myself?

I'm Not Exactly Where I Want To Be

It's been months since I got this urge to change something in my life. Career-wise, precisely.
I work as a social media content writer in a great multinational advertising agency. I've been doing this job for 2 years, 1.5 years as full time employee and 6 months as an intern. I was feel great, confident, happy and proud of what I'm doing. But I always wonder if it's the right path for me.

I feel stuck. Not because the job, I love my job. But I love myself more, and I am a very complicated human beings. I wonder if there's more in life to do. To feel something different. There's actually a list of something I want to do:

1. Content wizard
2. Agency goddess
3. Write a book
4. Travel
5. Fight for animals rights & protection
6. Read more books, living in a library!
7. Doing art
8. Event
9. Fight for human rights
10. Kill bad people. Just kidding. No I'm not.

I used to think I want a different career, but I realize I'm not sure about it. I actually don't care about my career choice, either works in agency or travel or something, as long as I feel alive. Looking back my youth, I've wasted it in my room. I'm that kind of girl who will try to get what she wants and actually fight for it. But now I feel like I am not myself. 

Begin Again

I'm gonna start again. I'm gonna write more thoughts and stuff.

Lately it haunts me how I call myself a writer but never really write for myself. Not even my thesis damn the due date is in 5 freaking months and I have done nothing about it okay bye.

Anyway. I once went through a crazy times when my mom passed and I was heartbroken, got no friends, shitty stuff at school, and how hard it was to be a 13 years old teenager. My diary saves me back then. And I find myself drowning again, even though I got Red but our schedule are so different so I thought I give a chance to write some kind of diary, again.

My 23 years old wishes are pretty simple:

1. Better timeline
2. Write anything (and not my job)
3. Draw, doodling, painting something
4. Sleep more
5. Savings
6. Go outside and play
7. New lipstick

So I give myself a second chance... to be myself once again.

Tee-hee!

23

It's been a year since I wrote that last post. Time flies, I'm 23 years old now.
Things are changed now. I feel bitter sometimes, but I laughed anyway most of the time.

For quick update, I'm still with Red now. Last year was a mess for both of  us. We said things we didn't mean. I gave away my feelings to someone who don't deserve it, who clearly say I'm the number two. For a moment I was ready to face it, but later I realize how people take me for granted and I don't even know it. I took months to get better, but it gave me perspective of what an adult should do. What I'm gonna do when I older, and what I wish I will never do. Yellow's getting married and for a time a feel less of a woman. I feel hideous and blue, probably because he's my first love. Last year, I was ready to left him and start a new page. But he hold on, and I was ignoring it. But we're starting over, we talk, and now it feels like we're in a good phase. Better than ever!

I went to Seoul, South Korea for office's outing and it was a great experience. It makes me realize I didn't want this job forever. now I'm thinking to resign, but you know it's not that easy to pursue something for passion. It will costs you something, and I knew it's something I can't afford.

I'm into make ups now. I love lipstick. But I gain weight much more than I should, I'm back being a fatty now and that's sad. I should change that soon.

Anyway, talk to you soon.

Oh yes, I'm with the bangs now.

Mine

It's been a long time since I wrote a post. It's been a busy year anyway, full of hard work and achievement for both of us, me and Red.

I've got a permanent job even though I'm still on my 6th semester, try to work it out and give my best. Red had finished his thesis, and seek for a good job while he's waiting for graduation day next June. And things are fine, though it could be hard in some days but we're working on it and seems like we have fills one to another life everyday. But still, distance sucks. Even the tiniest.

Red's got into a motorcycle accident last Tuesday, and it broke my heart. It's the most serious accident he ever been. He cracked his right hand, injured his left hand and one twisted ankle. I didn't really worry at first because he told me it's okay, it's just a scratch. But he can lie forever so he told me the full story.

The first thing came on my mind is some kind of a prayer. Thank God, You took care of him.

I'm not really a religious person. I'm not sure whether my faith is faded away or I'm fall apart with God, even though deep down inside I know He's the only one who could save me. I have this distance with prayers and what happened to Red makes me feel like I really wanna go back to Him this time. I need Him in my life, of course, and I want to have a good relationship with Him as well.

Anyway. Yesterday I pay a visit to his house. There's a little stupid mistake of me to his father, which I'm sure it will make him hates me more (oh well I don't mind). But it makes me better to see him, and not because he's so much in pain. I helped his mother (or should I say, mother-in-law? lol :) changing his bandages and putting a traditional medicine to reduce his swelling hand. I have a good chit chat with his youngest sissy while he's falling asleep and I think we make a great bond.

It makes me realize so many things. Like, how much I love him and how much I really want to be with him. And how I started to accept things like, this is hard but it's real and it's worth to fight. Like literally, it's worth.

Boundaries

Dear Red,
I love you like a heartbeat. Almost more than life itself. But this 4 days as we stop talking actually makes me feel good about myself. No worries, no any stress. I'm being me and there's no act or thoughts to hide and I feel free to keep it by myself. It feels kinda good it makes me guilty.
After my cousin's wedding I realize couple things. The facts that I personally can't see myself as a parent unlike you, and how I believe in everything less and less as day goes by. I don't think I want a marriage or kids. Even the thought of settle down scared me right now. I don't wanna trapped in another mess or any situation I can't bail off.
I met my ex-psychiatrist yesterday and it's break me. It remind me how much I lose just to keep you mine. After the last curse you said over the phone makes me realize, "That's it. That's enough and I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm quit." I know it's not that easy, you're a big part of my life. I had it enough and I don't know how many times I have to say that I'm really tired. But part of me won't let it go. I honestly believe you are the love of my life and I love you through the distance, more than I ever love anyone. Even Yellow. And now after all we've said and done I'm just so tired and confused and I wonder if I should stop for a while and take a good rest from us.
I give and give, but it feels like I haven't got anything in return. Sometimes I feel I can't rely on you, your small mind to judge people from eyes and all those hurtfull comments you say. And things just keep remind me of our past, of how happy we used to be and now we're not. I'm not. I'm far from being happy. I'm miserable.
You know what? If only I could turn  back time I wish you never sent that message wrong to me. I wish I never knew she was exist or you was still fall for her even when you're with me. To think about our messy past, the only reason why I still think about Yellos isn't because I love him that much. I'm over him when I met you, and on August 28th 2010 he's not on my mind any longer. ays and nights fills with joyness you bring into my life. He want to meet up but no, I really want to get over with it and start a new life with you. I swear I don't think of him, not even a second.
Until I saw that message. That's why, cause I feel save, I feel lika I had a back up plan in case you're leaving me again someday, somehow.
But look at us right now, we're good right? You know me well these days and to see what you've done with all my social media tools, I feel like I need some space apart from you. I want a boundaries between us. I want you to leave me alone. Cause the only who can't move from our past is our partner. Yellow to you, that girl to me, it's all the same.