Twenty-something Thoughts: Relationship

Lately I find myself quite often thinking about relationship. The idea of serious dating-for-marriage actually freaks me out. Having someone to love, and one who loves you back is the dream. But when it comes to family, culture, and marriage is a whole different story.

Red and me comes from a different background. So it's normal that we have a different opinion almost at everything. And that's why we fight.

I'm not sure if I'm a real feminist, but I think I am. I believe in woman empowerment, but mostly because I'm Asian that lives to see how culture doesn't treat woman like the world should. For example, I'm not a baby-person. I'm more animal person, so please expect a lot of animals pictures, videos and Nat Geo's feed when you open my Instagram timeline. I love animal, care for them, dying to be parts of animal rescue team someday (and shot me cause I work in crazy office hours for 2 years because I am a junior of worthless). I even stop eating lamb and duck, which kinda tricky as my dad loves that. But I'm proud of myself for doing that.

Anyway, I'm not into babies. Won't touch it, won't have it......I guess. I'm 23 and so much going on, maybe it'll changes or maybe not. But it's my body and I can decide for myself.
But Red's dream is to have one or two. His dream is not me as his, but also me as his family. Mother of his child. And I'm not sure I want the same thing. I probably will change, or not, but I would like to stay in relationship when it's okay if I don't want to. I want to feel that it's okay if I'm being myself. Cause the truth is having babies is not a dream for me.

My life goal is to marry someone I love, or just casually lives together, it doesn't matter as long as we love each other. But it's not that easy to have that kind of thoughts when you live in Indonesia. Even Jakarta. So yeah, marriage sounds good either.

Having kids.... Nope. Do you have any idea how much education cost? And milk and baby sitter and literally everything? I'm not that kind of girl who's dreaming about being someone's wife as a goal. Housewife, being a mothet isn't a career, it's a life choice. It's a hard job, but not the one I have in mind. My life goal is not take care of a baby in weekdays.

And how you explain yourself to your partner, that turns out you two had a very different dream about your future together.

September 11, 2015

Some things need to be ended.

Years of friendship doesn't mean things will always be fine. People still surprised me no matter how long I have know them. Just because you always tried to help, doesn't mean they will do the same for you. Especially when you need it the most.

And the funny thing is... by the time you open yourself, they call me drama queen. Oh well just  because I don't stress people out with my problem and I chose to laugh about it instead whining all day long, doesn't mean I don't have serious matter on my own.

I always thought society is what could kill a good personality. And I always thought "the society" are just some people with with no brains and live somewhere in a sad, pathetic land. But I was wrong. They lived near us. Those people, turns out to be friends in disguise. I was so blind for not seeing it. I was so stupid to think every people are nice, for it's not the first, second or even third time it happen with me.

And is it wrong, after all these shitty things happen, that it makes me trust nobody but myself?

I'm Not Exactly Where I Want To Be

It's been months since I got this urge to change something in my life. Career-wise, precisely.
I work as a social media content writer in a great multinational advertising agency. I've been doing this job for 2 years, 1.5 years as full time employee and 6 months as an intern. I was feel great, confident, happy and proud of what I'm doing. But I always wonder if it's the right path for me.

I feel stuck. Not because the job, I love my job. But I love myself more, and I am a very complicated human beings. I wonder if there's more in life to do. To feel something different. There's actually a list of something I want to do:

1. Content wizard
2. Agency goddess
3. Write a book
4. Travel
5. Fight for animals rights & protection
6. Read more books, living in a library!
7. Doing art
8. Event
9. Fight for human rights
10. Kill bad people. Just kidding. No I'm not.

I used to think I want a different career, but I realize I'm not sure about it. I actually don't care about my career choice, either works in agency or travel or something, as long as I feel alive. Looking back my youth, I've wasted it in my room. I'm that kind of girl who will try to get what she wants and actually fight for it. But now I feel like I am not myself. 

Begin Again

I'm gonna start again. I'm gonna write more thoughts and stuff.

Lately it haunts me how I call myself a writer but never really write for myself. Not even my thesis damn the due date is in 5 freaking months and I have done nothing about it okay bye.

Anyway. I once went through a crazy times when my mom passed and I was heartbroken, got no friends, shitty stuff at school, and how hard it was to be a 13 years old teenager. My diary saves me back then. And I find myself drowning again, even though I got Red but our schedule are so different so I thought I give a chance to write some kind of diary, again.

My 23 years old wishes are pretty simple:

1. Better timeline
2. Write anything (and not my job)
3. Draw, doodling, painting something
4. Sleep more
5. Savings
6. Go outside and play
7. New lipstick

So I give myself a second chance... to be myself once again.

Tee-hee!

23

It's been a year since I wrote that last post. Time flies, I'm 23 years old now.
Things are changed now. I feel bitter sometimes, but I laughed anyway most of the time.

For quick update, I'm still with Red now. Last year was a mess for both of  us. We said things we didn't mean. I gave away my feelings to someone who don't deserve it, who clearly say I'm the number two. For a moment I was ready to face it, but later I realize how people take me for granted and I don't even know it. I took months to get better, but it gave me perspective of what an adult should do. What I'm gonna do when I older, and what I wish I will never do. Yellow's getting married and for a time a feel less of a woman. I feel hideous and blue, probably because he's my first love. Last year, I was ready to left him and start a new page. But he hold on, and I was ignoring it. But we're starting over, we talk, and now it feels like we're in a good phase. Better than ever!

I went to Seoul, South Korea for office's outing and it was a great experience. It makes me realize I didn't want this job forever. now I'm thinking to resign, but you know it's not that easy to pursue something for passion. It will costs you something, and I knew it's something I can't afford.

I'm into make ups now. I love lipstick. But I gain weight much more than I should, I'm back being a fatty now and that's sad. I should change that soon.

Anyway, talk to you soon.

Oh yes, I'm with the bangs now.