Dear Red,
I love you like a heartbeat. Almost more than life itself. But this 4 days as we stop talking actually makes me feel good about myself. No worries, no any stress. I'm being me and there's no act or thoughts to hide and I feel free to keep it by myself. It feels kinda good it makes me guilty.
After my cousin's wedding I realize couple things. The facts that I personally can't see myself as a parent unlike you, and how I believe in everything less and less as day goes by. I don't think I want a marriage or kids. Even the thought of settle down scared me right now. I don't wanna trapped in another mess or any situation I can't bail off.
I met my ex-psychiatrist yesterday and it's break me. It remind me how much I lose just to keep you mine. After the last curse you said over the phone makes me realize, "That's it. That's enough and I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm quit." I know it's not that easy, you're a big part of my life. I had it enough and I don't know how many times I have to say that I'm really tired. But part of me won't let it go. I honestly believe you are the love of my life and I love you through the distance, more than I ever love anyone. Even Yellow. And now after all we've said and done I'm just so tired and confused and I wonder if I should stop for a while and take a good rest from us.
I give and give, but it feels like I haven't got anything in return. Sometimes I feel I can't rely on you, your small mind to judge people from eyes and all those hurtfull comments you say. And things just keep remind me of our past, of how happy we used to be and now we're not. I'm not. I'm far from being happy. I'm miserable.
You know what? If only I could turn back time I wish you never sent that message wrong to me. I wish I never knew she was exist or you was still fall for her even when you're with me. To think about our messy past, the only reason why I still think about Yellos isn't because I love him that much. I'm over him when I met you, and on August 28th 2010 he's not on my mind any longer. ays and nights fills with joyness you bring into my life. He want to meet up but no, I really want to get over with it and start a new life with you. I swear I don't think of him, not even a second.
Until I saw that message. That's why, cause I feel save, I feel lika I had a back up plan in case you're leaving me again someday, somehow.
But look at us right now, we're good right? You know me well these days and to see what you've done with all my social media tools, I feel like I need some space apart from you. I want a boundaries between us. I want you to leave me alone. Cause the only who can't move from our past is our partner. Yellow to you, that girl to me, it's all the same.
